


Winter Seasons

by xo_thefirst



Series: City Street Lights [7]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Jargon, Mental Health Issues, i'm not sure what to tag but there's also drunk!baekhyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-08 12:15:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_thefirst/pseuds/xo_thefirst
Summary: Kyungsoo finds himself lost in moments at a time. He tries and makes sure Baekhyun is always in them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for our dearest prince kyungsoo, happy birthday!!
> 
> * title may change

Sometimes, life is weird. Life is hectic and crazy, but it can also be relaxing. It can be soothing and make one wonder how the world is even able to operate and exist, how it can balance itself with everything good and bad happening to it at every given moment. It’s difficult to think about, at first, because the world itself is hectic and crazy, but when everything is put in perspective, it really isn’t that hard. Everything should be taken one step at a time—it makes the process simpler, easier—and it’s in moments like these, where the world comes into focus, that Kyungsoo simply has to take a step back. He thinks.

Papers are everywhere. There are patient files scattered all around their dining room table, ranging from a twenty-six year old to an eighty-seven year old, and Kyungsoo has to make sure the physical originals match his digital copies on his laptop. He’s gone through half of them, adding and editing information to each patient to reflect their most recent visit, and he takes a moment to think, ‘I really shouldn’t have slacked off this week.’ Though, if he’s being honest, this week has been hard for him. He can’t even remember half of it.

He can’t even really comprehend all the letters and numbers staring back at him, both on the screen and on the table. He’s staring at them like it’d give him the answers to life, but at the moment, he isn’t receiving anything at all. It feels as if he’s reading an alien language and he can’t decipher any of it to give himself any type of peace.

“Kyungsoo?” he can hear a distant voice call. He’s in the middle of matching another patient’s records, gaze flickering back and forth between the papers in his hands to the words on his screen, and he has to double-check that he’s adding in new information and not accidentally deleting anything important. “Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo only looks up when he feels a hand touch his arm.

“Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun says his name like he hasn’t said it in years. The tone of his voice sounds confused and lost and Kyungsoo feels mildly bad about it. He isn’t sure what’s going on with him, inside his own head.

To his credit, Baekhyun doesn’t say or ask anything else. They simply stand there, staring at each other, and Kyungsoo guesses Baekhyun is waiting for him to make the next move. His hand doesn’t fall from his arm and it takes another moment for Kyungsoo to fully realize what’s going on. He sighs, “Baekhyun.” He relaxes against the table’s edge. He uses it to keep himself propped up because if he falls backwards to sit, he might actually miss the chair and find himself on the ground instead. His head feels foggy.

There aren’t many words spoken between them. Kyungsoo simply closes his eyes and he can hear Baekhyun moving around him trying to straighten everything up. He feels stressed—which isn’t all that atypical—, but he also feels something else. It’s like he can’t get out of his own head.

“How many hours have you been standing here?” Baekhyun quietly asks. It’s a simple enough question with a simple enough answer, but Kyungsoo feels like Baekhyun should know. Then again, when Kyungsoo opens his eyes again to actually _look_ at Baekhyun, he’s wearing his scrubs. Didn’t he work an evening shift?

Kyungsoo whips his head around to search for the clock in their living room. It reads close to three-thirty and it takes a minute for the time to catch up in his head. “It’s three-thirty _in the morning?_ ” he asks, incredulous, before he’s looking over to Baekhyun who looks as tired as he feels. “Did you just get off?”

“You should be asleep by now,” Baekhyun counters back, but there’s a small smile to his lips. There are dark circles starting to form underneath his eyes and his hair looks like a mess, like it could use a good wash by now. He glances up at him every few minutes and something within Kyungsoo deflates, searches for the chair next to him so he can actually collapse in it.

He thinks.

He’s pretty sure he started working on these files when the sun was starting to set in the sky. In any season, that’s at least six hours he’s been sitting or standing here working. He probably shouldn’t tell Baekhyun that. “At least six hours,” he confesses anyways, a moment later. He’s staring down at the table where his papers are slowly being arranged. “I didn’t even realize,” he starts off, catches a whiff of something strange in the air when Baekhyun comes closer to him. He doesn’t really finish his sentence but when he looks at his fiancé, he can tell he understands.

“It happens,” Baekhyun easily explains. When he comes close enough, he leans down and they meet for an easy kiss halfway. “Come shower with me?” he asks the moment he pulls back a short distance after, staring into his eyes, before giving him another quick kiss. “I reek.”

That’s usually code for ‘I had a patient with a really bad stomach virus’ or ‘I had a patient who essentially peed everywhere’ and Kyungsoo nods before he reaches out to save everything on his laptop before closing it. The papers will have to sit there until he wakes up again, but it isn’t the first time it’s going to happen.

But then there’s that strange smell. When Kyungsoo stands again, he catches another whiff of it coming off of Baekhyun. He knows the scent, but he can’t place his finger on it. It’s only when they’re entering the bedroom with Baekhyun gently nudging him along with his shoulder that he realizes what that smell is.

“Have you been smoking again?” he asks, looks to Baekhyun with wide eyes. They’re in the middle of their bedroom when Baekhyun stills. It really isn’t anything horrible because it’s an easy way to fix stress for them, but it’s a little difficult to ignore when the smell is literally bouncing off of Baekhyun’s scrubs. “How bad has it been this week? You haven’t really said anything about it.”

For some reason, Kyungsoo’s heart breaks when he sees Baekhyun shrug his shoulders. He relaxes a bit then, sighs, closes his eyes. “How could I have said anything? I feel like I don’t have any time besides attempting sleep and going to work,” he explains. He opens his eyes again then, stares at Kyungsoo until he shakes his head. “I’m just—tired.”

Kyungsoo feels that too. He feels like he’s getting stuck in his head more and more, every single day, and he realizes he can’t really remember the last time he’s seen Baekhyun like this. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen his fiancé in person, awake, and in front of him, especially like this.

“Thankfully, my shift starts back on days the day after tomorrow,” Baekhyun continues to say. And somehow, Kyungsoo can see literal light flowing back into Baekhyun’s eyes, his facial expression. Baekhyun can breathe positivity back into almost anything and it amazes him every single time. “Tomorrow, we get to go to the gala and we’re going to drink so much, you’re going to have to take care of me.”

At that, Kyungsoo snorts. It’s easy to fall back into this. “You get drunk off of one glass of wine. This party is going to end way too early for me.” His lips crack into a smile when he hears Baekhyun’s laughter, feels himself breathe easier when Baekhyun walks up to him and wraps arms around his waist.

They waddle backwards into the bathroom, until Kyungsoo’s back hits the bathroom counter, and he can’t stop himself from laughing when Baekhyun gives him a cheeky grin before ducking down to place kisses all up and down his neck. His fiancé says he reeks, but Kyungsoo guesses it’s a good thing he can only smell the cigarette smoke drifting off of him instead of all the diarrhea and vomit and urine he might or might not be covered in right now. Oh, that’s gross.

Kyungsoo pushes Baekhyun off of him without a second thought. His nose wrinkles and he doesn’t cave when Baekhyun whines. “Strip and get into the shower,” he orders. He immediately regrets his words when Baekhyun waggles an eyebrow at him. “Oh, you know what I meant. I don’t want to make out if you’re covered in bodily fluids.”

“What if it’s our own bodily fluids?” Baekhyun counters, cackling when Kyungsoo scowls at him. “Isn’t semen a bodily fluid?” he continues to ask and Kyungsoo ignores him to turn on the shower in favor of walking right out of there.

Suddenly, there are arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Baekhyun is warm and strong all around him with his face buried in his neck and Kyungsoo misses him. He misses his touches and his words and he can’t help the sigh that falls from his lips at the hug. He reaches up to card fingers through Baekhyun’s hair, takes a moment to realize how long it’s gotten and how much he doesn’t even remember it growing out to this length.

“It’s been a while, huh?” Kyungsoo asks quietly, feels the bathroom start to heat up with the heat of the steam. He can feel Baekhyun murmur something into his neck, but he can’t understand what it is. He misses Baekhyun. “I miss you,” he ends up saying, when they stand there longer, let the water run more.

He tries and turns in Baekhyun’s hold. He’s still wearing his button-up shirt and slacks from work at the office earlier that day, but now Baekhyun is only in his underwear, trying to push him back into the shower door. “Baekhyun,” he murmurs, wondering what’s going on, but then he catches a glimpse of Baekhyun’s smile when he forces his way around.

Before he knows it, he’s standing underneath the shower head, still fully dressed, with Baekhyun trying his hardest not to laugh. The only thing Kyungsoo can do is gape at the man, who’s standing right outside of the water’s reach, and watch as he pulls his underwear down to undress completely and join him in the shower.

“Oh, I’m going to have fun undressing you,” Baekhyun sings.

Kyungsoo finds he doesn’t mind when Baekhyun falls to his knees a moment later.

 

 

To ever think Baekhyun can actually tire himself out is a plausible thought in itself. At first, Kyungsoo didn’t think it was possible even while attending medical school. He would always see the other around their classmates or by himself and he would always be talking or murmuring or singing, anything to keep his mouth occupied. To be honest, Kyungsoo also thought Baekhyun did that to prevent himself from going insane with how much they’ve had to study and memorize but now years later, Kyungsoo believes that’s just how Baekhyun is. Even while sleeping, Baekhyun keeps making noises and Kyungsoo still can’t figure out how or why he does.

It gives him a sense of serenity though, to constantly hear Baekhyun. Like this, he always feels his presence. He doesn’t have to worry about feeling alone because even if they _are_ separated, Baekhyun still tries to find time to text or call him to see what’s going on. The only exceptions were days like today, where Kyungsoo didn’t even realize he accidentally skipped dinner and worked until it was past three in the morning. He doesn’t feel particularly hungry though, and he isn’t sure why. He would usually be starving by now.

He doesn’t even remember dozing off or waking up. One minute, he’s blinking up at the ceiling where the only semblance of light is from their nightlight and the next, he’s blinking up at the far wall where the bathroom is, the sunlight streaming through a partition of their black-out curtains.

Baekhyun’s arm is draped loosely over his waist. He’s snoring softly and Kyungsoo thanks the heavens that Baekhyun is actually still asleep. He worries for his fiancé’s sleep pattern, the lack of it all, and it’s nice to see he’s getting more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. So, he doesn’t move. He tries to relax more to fall back asleep, but he can’t remember a time recently where he’s been able to sleep for more than three hours. He ends up just staring at the wall until his blinks finally turn dark.

When he wakes up again, he’s lying on his back. There isn’t a weight around him anymore but when he finally has the strength to tilt his head to the side, Baekhyun is on his back with his head tilted away from him. It seems like a miracle, until Kyungsoo feels the need to wrap his arm around Baekhyun’s waist instead. He really doesn’t want to do it, in fear of waking him up, but he also really _wants_ to do it, so he does.

A moment later, he can feel Baekhyun heave a big sigh, content. “Please tell me I slept for more than three hours,” he mumbles. Kyungsoo can’t stop the smile forming on his lips at the words.

“I think you did,” he answers. He watches as Baekhyun tilts his head to face him instead. “Beautiful.”

The red that infuses Baekhyun’s cheeks is adorable. He ends up laughing, as he always does when he’s embarrassed, and Kyungsoo finds himself hiding his own face in-between Baekhyun’s shoulder and the bed. “Why are _you_ embarrassed? You’re the one who said it,” Baekhyun laughs out, but he doesn’t move from his spot.

Before Kyungsoo can even answer, he hears his phone ring in the distance. It isn’t overly loud, but it’s enough to have both of them still to try and hear it better. Kyungsoo isn’t sure why it’s ringing but when it continues on for a few seconds longer, he suddenly remembers. He curses, climbing over Baekhyun and jumping out of bed to rush to the living room, and he searches the dining table until he finds his cell phone on the ground.

The number flashing on the screen is the number to the hospital Baekhyun works at and Kyungsoo has a contract with and he answers it after clearing his throat. “Dr. Do.” He listens as Chanyeol gives him a brief overview of the patient he has in the emergency room and Kyungsoo is glad it’s Chanyeol giving it because he knows all the information he wants to hear.

“We’re sending her to the cath lab,” Chanyeol finishes. Kyungsoo curses when he realizes he typed all of the patient’s information into another patient’s chart on his laptop. He guesses it’s better than writing it on one of the paper files in front of him though. This one is just a simple copy and paste to somewhere else.

“Okay,” he eventually says, listening as Chanyeol hums, “And good morning to you too. I’ll be there in a few.”

“Sorry for waking you up.”

Kyungsoo shrugs, “No big deal.” He hangs up before he checks his phone battery. He barely used it the day before, so it really shouldn’t need a charge any time soon. He could also charge it during his drives back and forth from the hospitals and home, too. 83%. Good enough.

It doesn’t take long to copy all the information down on paper. It doesn’t take long to change into a pair of scrubs. It doesn’t take long to tell Baekhyun he’ll see him later, but it does take a little long to share a kiss before he leaves. The kiss on the lips is short, but then Baekhyun is pulling him back in to give him a soft kiss on the neck and Kyungsoo has to pull away with a soft sigh leaving his lips.

“Go save a life,” Baekhyun quietly says. He’s standing next to their side table in the foyer, where their car keys lie in a bowl, and Kyungsoo makes sure he has his stethoscope, cell phone, and wallet before he grabs his keys. They share another short kiss.

Kyungsoo smiles. “Yeah.”

 

 

The patient is a relatively easy fix. She’s one of the ninety-eight percent that has a similar cardiac problem that requires a similar answer to most cases and Kyungsoo sighs when he’s done with the procedure. It takes him roughly two hours this time to complete this one and he takes a step back to observe her vitals before taking a look at her face. It’s the first time he sees it, actually sees _her_ , and she doesn’t look as old as her stated age. She looks quite young and that’s strange. Then again, life itself is strange. He really shouldn’t question it.

It’s close to noon by now when he checks the time. He isn’t particularly hungry, but he figures he should eat. He doesn’t think he’s eaten in over twelve hours. It isn’t unusual to go without eating or using the bathroom for an extended period of time—it certainly isn’t healthy though—but he doesn’t really give it a second thought. Baekhyun should be hungry by now, and that should be enough to jumpstart his meals for the day.

He doesn’t even realize when he’s already come home. It’s when he’s walking through their front door that he realizes he’s made it back in one piece, confused, because he doesn’t even remember leaving the hospital or getting into his car in the first place. He looks back out to make sure his car is actually in the driveway, parked, before he nods a little to himself and closes the front door.

It’s warm inside their house. He deposits his keys into the bowl while taking off his shoes and he soaks in the new warmth a little longer before he takes off his jacket too. He can hear soft singing coming from the kitchen as well as smell something sweet filling the air, and he takes a moment to take it all in. The scent is enough to make him feel remotely hungry but other than that, he wonders what Baekhyun is even cooking for the sauce to smell that sweet.

When he ventures into the kitchen, it’s to see Baekhyun swinging his hips. It’s a soft swaying motion, to match the tempo of the song he’s singing, and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at the sight. He watches as Baekhyun stills long enough to taste whatever sauce he’s creating, but then he’s back to dancing again.

Kyungsoo wants to say something, anything, but he really doesn’t want to ruin the moment. It always fascinates him to see how Baekhyun is whenever he’s gone, to see what he’s doing, how productive he can get because he’s always been driven, focused, when it’s just him. Though, he guesses the moment is ruined when Baekhyun turns around to grab something and he yelps when he sees him.

“Jesus, I didn’t know you were home already,” he hisses. He has a hand over his chest and Kyungsoo smiles a little softer at seeing the silver band glinting in the light. “Are you hungry? Because I am, but I decided to try something new,” Baekhyun continues to say, turning back around after grabbing the vegetables from the island counter. “Some of the nurses were talking about this type of dish the other day, but I’ve only been able to properly look it up and try cooking it today.” He shrugs then. “I don’t know. It smells good.”

“It does,” Kyungsoo agrees easily. He walks further into the kitchen, enough to lean forward to kiss the back of Baekhyun’s left shoulder, and he looks down at his fiancé’s creation. Admittedly, it looks a little strange, but all that really matters is the taste of it.

“Do you want to try some?”

Kyungsoo still isn’t really hungry, but he nods anyways. He steps to the side for easier access and opens his mouth as Baekhyun carefully spoons him some of the sauce. It’s hot and burns his tongue a little bit, but it really is as sweet as it smells. It’s also a little spicy. “I like it,” he comments, continuing to stare down at the spoon before moving his gaze to the rest of the pots on the stove. It’s all a little different, but it looks good. He hears Baekhyun’s hum before he’s moving away again to grab something else—his cell phone.

“Now, all I need to do is wait a few more minutes, then combine everything together,” Baekhyun murmurs, staring down at his phone. Kyungsoo tries not to make any noises or unusual facial expressions. He loves it when Baekhyun attempts to cook. It’s always a fifty-fifty chance something will go wrong or right, but the entire process is adorable to him. He used to be the worst cook on the planet.

Kyungsoo doesn’t even realize he’s been staring at Baekhyun this entire time until he sees Baekhyun staring back at him with a confused expression on his face. Sometimes, their conversations are quiet. No words are spoken, but it’s the way they communicate with their expressions and thoughts that come through. This is one of those moments and Kyungsoo appreciates it when Baekhyun shakes his head afterwards and laughs quietly. Honestly, Kyungsoo doesn’t know what was said between them, but he hums when Baekhyun reaches out anyways and holds his hand.

It’s quiet, as they complete their meal together, as they eat next to each other on the couch, and Kyungsoo wonders what goes on when they’re silent like this. He wonders if Baekhyun gets lost in his head like he gets lost in his, but then he realizes maybe Baekhyun experiences something different. When he glances at his fiancé, he can still see the fatigue pulling at his features. He can see it in his eyes despite the bright attitude he always shows and he wonders what’s been going on to make Baekhyun go back to smoking daily at work. He hasn’t seen any packs laying around the house and he hopes Baekhyun hasn’t bought any, only to hide it somewhere he can’t see. It’s not like he cares too much. He probably would be a chronic smoker if he was an emergency room physician who worked nights regularly, too.

Kyungsoo only looks away when he sees Baekhyun glance at him out of the corner of his eyes. He smoked too in residency. It wasn’t the best choice, but it helped him cope with the stresses of it. The only reason he stopped was because Jongdae and Chanyeol advocated they both stop if either of them started having children. Then again, Sunyoung must know by now Baekhyun has been smoking. They’ve been working the same rotations together for the past couple of weeks.

It really isn’t even something to think about so much. Kyungsoo can’t even understand why he’s thinking about it so much. He doesn’t even realize how much thought he’s put into it until he feels a hand land on his thigh, making him come back into the present, to focus on the characters acting on the screen. He keeps getting lost in his head.

“Are you full already?”

It takes a second to process, but then Kyungsoo is looking away from the tv to the meal in his hands and he realizes he’s barely eaten half of it. He looks to Baekhyun’s bowl on the coffee table and it’s completely empty. “I,” he starts off, confused, because he doesn’t feel— “Sorry.” The hand on his thigh presses down a little harder, tries and makes Kyungsoo look over to his fiancé.

There’s a frown on Baekhyun’s face. It’s a slight downturn of the lips, but it’s a frown and he looks as confused as Kyungsoo feels. “What are you sorry for? Does it taste bad?” He looks confused and concerned and Kyungsoo isn’t entirely sure what’s going on.

“It tastes good,” he answers, taking a small bite to prove his point. It’s cooling down, but the spices help keep it warm. It really does taste good. He doesn’t know how to explain. “I’m just,” he fishes for words, still staring at Baekhyun to try and figure it out. “I haven’t been real hungry lately,” he settles for. It shouldn’t be enough to convince Baekhyun, but he seems to accept the answer. He hums, but then that’s it. He turns back to watch tv. His hand never leaves Kyungsoo’s thigh.

So, Kyungsoo continues to nibble on his food. It’s important to eat. “If you get hungry for more, though,” Baekhyun interrupts, letting his fingers tap along Kyungsoo’s thigh in a silent beat. “There’s more on the stove, you know.”

Kyungsoo simply nods, because he really can’t find the words to voice it out.

 

 

Sometimes, there are days where there are barely any cases at all. There’s always one or two, but that could last a couple of days before he’s suddenly being slammed with five more. If he’s being honest, he’s glad today is one of those days where he’s only had one case so far and it’s already coming close to four in the afternoon.

He’s been moving around in the house. He changed out of his scrubs after being home for two hours, but now he’s too comfortable to move from the couch. In his sweatpants and t-shirt, he’s the classification of a couch potato and he laughs when Baekhyun comes over, already trying on his new pants for his suit, and situates himself between Kyungsoo’s legs.

“So, I think these fit my legs perfectly,” Baekhyun mentions, moving in closer, leaning down further, until he’s pressing Kyungsoo into the cushions. It’s a welcome weight and Kyungsoo has to stifle the moan trying to escape his lips when he shifts his legs to accommodate Baekhyun more, only to accidentally rub against each other in all the right ways underneath all the clothes.

Kyungsoo glares, though it’s half-hearted. “I bet you’re doing this on purpose.”

The smile that forms on Baekhyun’s lips is breathtaking. He looks ridiculous wearing formal pants with a ratty old t-shirt. “Can I say I really want to fuck?” He’s never embarrassed to say anything like this. It shouldn’t baffle Kyungsoo as much as it does now. Then again, it catches him off-guard, only because Baekhyun grinds his hips forward when he asks. “Please. You in sweatpants is apparently an aphrodisiac right now.” He won’t stop moving his hips and Kyungsoo can’t stop the moan leaving his lips this time. “I can sit on your dick if you want me too,” he offers, whining, as he pushes his face into Kyungsoo’s neck. “Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo honestly doesn’t know what he wants more. He could have Baekhyun pushing him further into the couch by fucking him or he could have Baekhyun pushing him further into the couch by bouncing on his lap. They’re both enticing, but he guesses he gets his answer when Baekhyun won’t stop moving his hips, practically dry humping him.

“Do you have lube out here?” he ends up asking. He’s breathless, groaning when Baekhyun whines before kissing him on the lips. It’s messy and too hot and Kyungsoo gasps when Baekhyun hurries off of him to go back to their bedroom. “I can’t believe you didn’t think to bring it out here with you,” he ends up saying, laughing when Baekhyun yells at him to shut up.

“It’s unbelievable how horny I am right now,” Baekhyun mumbles when he comes back into the room. His pants are already unbuttoned, a noticeable tent at the front of it, and Kyungsoo doesn’t realize he licks his lips until Baekhyun’s knee buckles right before him, spare towel and condom flopping down to the ground uselessly. “Shut up,” he whines and Kyungsoo can’t do anything but stare at him incredulously and laugh.

“I didn’t even do anything,” Kyungsoo reasons. He removes his pants and underwear before putting the towel underneath him on the cushions and he watches, amused, as Baekhyun strips himself bare before settling back between his legs. “To be sure,” he continues on, watching as Baekhyun pours some lube onto his fingers to warm it up. “Did you want to ride me? Or did you want to fuck me?”

The way Baekhyun groans sounds like he’s in pain and Kyungsoo wonders if Baekhyun is still mildly stressed from work even though he’s off today. “I think I have too much energy,” Baekhyun confesses. He’s already flushed red from his cheeks to his chest. “I might need to actively fuck it out. Then we can be all good for the gala tonight.”

Without thinking a moment longer, Kyungsoo reaches out for the hand with the lube on it. He guides it towards his entrance before he lets Baekhyun take over. “I actually forgot about that,” he gasps out, Baekhyun instantly going for two fingers before he stills. Kyungsoo can’t find it in himself to glare at him. “What time does that start? We need to get ready for that.”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun breathes. He’s too focused on his current task and Kyungsoo is becoming confused. “It starts at seven, seven-thirty maybe?” he continues to say. But then when he glances up at him, the confusion in Kyungsoo dissipates almost immediately. “The cigarettes aren’t helping as much as they used to,” he confesses quietly. “A couple years ago, they helped me get through the nights.”

There’s a pause, where Baekhyun returns to taking his time, trying to pull Kyungsoo apart only to piece him back together, and it makes it hard to think. It makes it difficult to do anything else but feel and fall all over again. “Something happened,” Kyungsoo manages to say. He reaches out to grab a hold of Baekhyun’s free arm, to try and keep them both grounded. It’s hard when Kyungsoo feels like he keeps floating away though.

“It’s just stress,” Baekhyun reasons, but Kyungsoo knows there’s more. There’s usually always more when they’re like this. But then Baekhyun is leaning down to kiss him and it’s soft and gentle, Kyungsoo figures he can ask later.

This time, it’s a little strange. Baekhyun slips on the condom before pushing into him. He stills long enough for Kyungsoo to feel comfortable again before he’s moving. He picks up his pace and Kyungsoo feels his heart pounding because “my god, Baekhyun, right there, right there.” It’s still a little strange but still feels partially right and Kyungsoo _breathes_ when Baekhyun pulls out only to tug on Kyungsoo’s arm.

They switch positions where Kyungsoo rides Baekhyun instead. It feels mindless, but Baekhyun is moaning like he can’t stop and Kyungsoo is addicted to it. He keeps bouncing, swiveling his hips every few drops down, and he almost screams when he feels Baekhyun reach up to tug on the back of his hair.

His toes are curling, his thighs burn, but he’s so close, Kyungsoo can almost taste it. He can’t think of anything else. He groans when he feels Baekhyun bite into his shoulder, stifling a moan against his skin, and Kyungsoo feels Baekhyun freeze underneath him. The grip in his hair tightens and he drops down to sit flush on Baekhyun’s lap and swivel his hips. At just the right angle, at the right pressure, he comes when Baekhyun lifts a hand to stroke his dick thrice.

Kyungsoo slows the roll of his hips until he’s simply sitting on Baekhyun. Everything is loud in his ears: his pulse, his breathing, Baekhyun’s sighs. They’re all loud and he tries to focus on each one he can hear. It throws him off. He doesn’t even realize his cell phone has been ringing until it stops and then starts ringing again a minute later.

“Shit,” he hisses. Baekhyun’s hand slips from his hair to massage his scalp and it helps Kyungsoo melt into his fiancé’s embrace. He doesn’t want to move. “Having sex while on call sucks.”

At that, Baekhyun laughs. It’s breathless but relieved. “Next time, I want to sit on your dick,” he says. He won’t stop placing kisses all along his shoulders and neck. Kyungsoo shies away when Baekhyun hits a known sensitive spot. “I’ll stop being a distraction now,” he mumbles, but neither of them move to try and get his cell phone.

Kyungsoo groans by the fifth ring, swivels his hips just to spite Baekhyun, and he relishes in the gasp that leaves his fiancé’s lips. “I love you,” he murmurs without even thinking, leaning down to kiss him on the lips. It’s habit by now, but the meaning behind the words don’t change for them, for him, at least.

The moment he pulls away, to really look down at Baekhyun, he realizes for the first time in a long time how handsome his fiancé really is. There’s sweat dripping down his temples and there’s a red flush to his cheeks. His lips are bitten red and his chest is still heaving the slightest bit. Baekhyun is gorgeous and Kyungsoo tries to remember the soft hazel flecks in the dark browns of his eyes. He doesn’t even know how long he sits there, staring at the person he can call every annoying love nickname in the book, but it must be a bit too long because, before he knows it, Baekhyun is lifting both of them up.

It catches him off-guard. He yelps. Baekhyun slips out of him. There’s probably going to be a mess, but then Baekhyun is walking over those couple of steps to try and reach Kyungsoo’s cell phone on the edge of the coffee table. There are two missed calls and suddenly, they hear Baekhyun’s cell phone ringing from the other room.

“I didn’t think you could still carry me like this,” Kyungsoo mumbles, gripping on hard to Baekhyun’s shoulders to slowly lower his feet to the ground. He can hear Baekhyun grunt at the exertion, but wow. “I might need you to fuck me against the wall.” He checks his caller ID and notices it’s the same hospital again.

“Honestly, I don’t know if I can still do that,” Baekhyun mentions. He sounds farther away now, probably getting rid of the condom, and he groans when they hear his cell phone stop ringing.

Kyungsoo frowns as he immediately dials back the hospital. Chanyeol isn’t working right now, so he wonders who it could be. He knows Sunyoung is working but if neither of them are answering their phones, she’d usually just send Jongdae or one of her kids over to knock on their door until they answer. “Dr. Do,” he says when he hears the clerk pick up the phone.

“Oh, yes, Dr. Do. Let me get Dr. Lee for you.”

 

 

It isn’t difficult to do what he does. It’s always the same steps, the same process, and Kyungsoo can go through the motions without even thinking the slightest bit. Only when there’s a small inconvenience, like fragile veins or atypical body status, does he have to think harder but even then, it’s still the same.

This time is no different. A human being with a broken heart that needs a little fix. Kyungsoo has done this a million and one times already in his short life time. He doesn’t even realize he’s done until he’s taking a step back to observe once more. Vitals are stable. Nurses are cleaning up. Kyungsoo’s gaze strays to the clock on the wall.

7:18.

7:19.

“Holy shit,” he mutters, quickly ripping the surgical gown off of him. He runs out of the room still wearing the face mask, trying his hardest to rip it off and grab his cell phone from his jacket pocket in his free hand at the same time, and he has to pause and squint down at his phone when he realizes there’s a text message waiting for him.

_meet me at the gala. jongdae is bringing me :3_

Kyungsoo doesn’t even have time to roll his eyes before he’s forcing the mask off his face so he can put on his jacket and leave.

It’s freezing when he gets to his car. Small puffs of white air escape his mouth as he breathes it all in and he turns his heater on full blast. He checks to make sure he has everything quickly before he’s pulling out and turning left instead of right when he makes it to the main street.

Everything passes by in a blur. All he can think about is how late he’s going to be to this event and how he’s hoping Baekhyun brought his suit to change into when he arrives. It doesn’t even click that it might be worrisome that fleeting thoughts of ‘I wonder what’d it’d be like to veer this car off to the side’ or ‘this bridge is actually pretty narrow’ go through his head. But if he thinks harder than those fleeting thoughts, glances over to the street lamp pole he drives past, he gets them more often during the winter season.

He immediately texts Baekhyun when he pulls up to the event center. He’s driving through the parking lot slowly, trying to look for an available space, and forgoes it to let the valet take care of it instead. He makes sure to grab his cell phone and jacket before he notices another message on his phone.

_coming out_

So, Kyungsoo waits by the main entrance of the facility, right inside the doors. He doesn’t really want to show up in scrubs, even though he’s pretty sure everyone attending would understand. The people who go to these types of events are almost always related to the medical field, or married or dating someone in the medical field. It really wouldn’t be unusual to see someone else in scrubs too.

Kyungsoo winces. The emcee sounds extraordinarily loud this year.

“Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo quickly turns at the call of his name and promptly feels his insides melt to the ground.

Baekhyun is wearing his standard black suit with a black tie. It’s completely normal, absolutely stone cold normal, but he’s wearing his silver ring and his hair is down and soft instead of styled out of the way. His hair moves easily when he runs and Kyungsoo feels like dying because Baekhyun is gorgeous and is Kyungsoo having a heart attack right now?

“Why are you just standing there?” Baekhyun breathes. He’s even reaching up with his left hand, the ring coming into clear view, and Kyungsoo has a hard time swallowing when he feels the tips of Baekhyun’s fingers graze across his forehead. “Come on. Your suit is waiting in the car for you.”

Kyungsoo isn’t sure what happens after that. All he remembers is grabbing onto Baekhyun’s wrist when he lowers it to walk past him and then Baekhyun is spinning and they’re kissing, right there in the foyer. He feels more than he hears his surprised gasp, but then he’s wrapping an arm around his waist to pull Baekhyun closer. He wants to kiss him until he moans, clings onto him because he’s melting too, knees turning to jelly until all that’s left is them.

It takes someone whistling at them to break apart. Kyungsoo doesn’t bother searching for the person, but Baekhyun does for a second before his attention is back on him. “What was that for?” he breathes out. The corners of his lips are slowly tugging up into a smile and then he laughs, grabs his hand. “Come on. Get changed so we can eat. The food actually looks good this year.”

Kyungsoo isn’t entirely sure what that was for, but he doesn’t really bother trying to explain it either. He simply follows his fiancé out the door to Jongdae’s car, where there’s still a car seat in the back for Daeul, and yelps when he’s suddenly forced back against the side of Jongdae’s SUV. His heart is racing and it doesn’t help that Baekhyun has this _look_ in his eyes and he wants _so much_.

“How do I still love you like I’d go crazy if I didn’t?” is what comes out of Baekhyun’s mouth. The _look_ in his eyes softens and Kyungsoo’s breath catches in his throat when the hands on his arms move to cup his face, Baekhyun leaning in until he’s giving him the softest kiss on the lips. “I still love you as much as I did all the way back then,” he murmurs against him. “When I first fell in love with you.”

This moment is tender. It’s soft and loving and Kyungsoo forgets about the cold, forgets about the way he falls into his head, and focuses on Baekhyun. His heart and his mind are at peace and he wants to stay like this for as long as he can. He finally feels like he’s resting and he doesn’t like it when he hears Jongdae’s car unlock behind him, Baekhyun moving away so he can tug him off of the door. Kyungsoo can’t help but lean forward until his forehead is resting against the back of Baekhyun’s shoulder. He’s trying to gather his thoughts, clear his mind.

“I just brought your regular suit,” Baekhyun says. He’s trying not to move too much and Kyungsoo appreciates it. “I brought your shoes and socks too. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to switch those out or not, but I figured I’d bring them just in case.” He’s moving a bit more now and Kyungsoo straightens to not fall over. “I brought extra socks if you got another call tonight too.”

When he turns around, Kyungsoo opens his eyes to see his fiancé holding out a complete outfit for him. It makes him smile. “Thank you,” he murmurs, laughing when Baekhyun simply puckers out his lips exaggeratedly. Kyungsoo gives him a short kiss before he grabs his clothes.

“We don’t have to stay very long either,” Baekhyun comments when they start making their way back. “Just long enough to get a couple of drinks— oh wait. You can’t drink anything when you’re working.”

Kyungsoo shrugs, “I’ll just have some virgin version of the drinks.”

“That’s not as fun.”

“I don’t know what you expected,” Kyungsoo says. He heads straight for the bathroom when they enter the venue again. “Save me a plate.”

“I’ll tell them to keep it extra warm for you!”

 

 

The emcee is still outrageously loud. His jokes are dry and Kyungsoo already feels like he needs a drink when he sees how many people are attending this year. It’s more than the usual and they make the place look smaller and congested.

He can’t even find Baekhyun. Then again, he probably should’ve asked where they were sitting, but he sees someone waving their hand in the air a moment later. It’s Jongdae’s hand and Kyungsoo makes his way straight for them.

A server comes up to their table right before he has a chance to sit down and Kyungsoo hums when he hears Baekhyun tell them to bring out a fresh plate of food for him. He glances over to everyone else’s plate as he sits and, to put it simply, he approves. It looks like chicken and fish along with potatoes and vegetables. Everyone else’s plate is almost empty and that’s always a good sign.

“Program is almost over,” Jongdae whispers minutes later. Kyungsoo is already eating and the food really isn’t half bad. He looks over to their friend who’s leaning into Baekhyun’s space to talk to him. “Did you see Chanyeol?” he asks next. Kyungsoo’s curiosity is peaked when he hears Baekhyun snort.

So, Kyungsoo glances around. Chanyeol isn’t sitting with them this time, which is unusual, but when he looks to the next table over, he has a clear view of Chanyeol’s back and his hand resting comfortably on someone else’s thigh. That picture alone speaks volumes and Kyungsoo almost chokes when he recognizes the person he’s sitting next to.

“What is Minseok doing here?!” he hisses. He snaps his head back to Jongdae and Baekhyun but when he does, he accidentally smacks Baekhyun in the face. “Shit!”

“Ow!” Baekhyun yelps and their entire table shushes them, except for Jongdae who’s trying not to cackle and get himself thrown out before the party even starts. “Soo!”

Out of instinct, Kyungsoo instantly reaches forward to gently touch Baekhyun’s cheek before kissing the hand holding his nose. “Sorry,” he murmurs. He refuses to turn back around in case Minseok and Chanyeol are staring at them. “When did Minseok get back?” he asks, looking to Jongdae next who shrugs.

“He told me he just got in this morning,” he answers, glancing around them again. “I don’t know what happened with him and Yifan, but I thought Chanyeol was going to bring Sehun.”

“Sehun?” Kyungsoo is going to collapse. “Why Sehun?” They’ve all known each other for years now. He should’ve expected to see something like this coming but, honestly, he hasn’t. He feels like he needs to scream.

“We all know Chanyeol and Sehun can’t be together if they’re going to be working in the same department,” Baekhyun mutters. He’s still rubbing his nose but Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to care much right now. He can take care of himself. “But I did hear Sehun was trying to transfer out of the ER. Maybe they are together.”

Without meaning to, Kyungsoo smacks Baekhyun’s leg before looking over his shoulder again. He ignores Baekhyun’s yelp. “Then what is _that_ over _there_?!” he hisses. Chanyeol’s hand is still on Minseok’s thigh and he severely hopes the emcee is almost done talking. They’re not even paying attention to him at all.

“We don’t know!” Baekhyun and Jongdae hiss back.

And just like that, they fall silent. Kyungsoo completes his meal in record time and then they’re all back to staring at Chanyeol’s hand on Minseok’s thigh. Out of curiosity, he looks around and can’t spot Sehun anywhere. “Where’s Sehun?”

“Couldn’t make it,” Baekhyun mumbles. When Kyungsoo looks over to him, Baekhyun’s head is tilted like he’s confused and then he feels a hand on his thigh too. “That’s, like, a protective gesture.” Kyungsoo jumps when Baekhyun squeezes his thigh. “Or he wants into his pants.”

At that, Jongdae lets out a bark of laughter. Suddenly, the entire room is looking at them and even the emcee stops talking to give them a raised eyebrow. “Did I miss something?” he asks and they all shake their heads, feeling very reminiscent about high school even though they didn’t attend the same one. Even Chanyeol and Minseok are looking at them and Kyungsoo feels the insane urge to shoo Baekhyun’s hand off his thigh.

“No, please continue. We’re sorry!” Baekhyun shouts back. Kyungsoo watches as Jongdae apologizes quietly and gives the emcee a bright smile.

The emcee only gives them a look before he continues.

They stay quiet for a moment longer. Kyungsoo notices Chanyeol trying to catch his attention and smiles when he gets it and gives him a little wave. When Chanyeol turns back around though, Kyungsoo slaps his hand down on Baekhyun’s on his thigh, startling him again. “How long is this entire program?” he asks, sending Baekhyun a small smile when he feels the other lightly tangle their fingers together through the awkward angle.

Next to them, Jongdae hums as he grabs the program card. He looks to the emcee before looking back down to it and Kyungsoo raises a brow when he feels Baekhyun squeeze his thigh again. He looks over in time to see Baekhyun kiss his shoulder. Nothing is said between them, but they share a secret smile.

“Oh, he should be almost done now,” Jongdae pipes up, looking over to them, “Like, seriously almost done.” Kyungsoo laughs when Jongdae catches how close he and Baekhyun are and makes a face. “Sunyoung and I aren’t like you two, right?”

It should be incredibly rude how much they keep talking during the emcee’s talk. In fact, it is, but Kyungsoo can’t help it. It’s nice forgetting they’re doctors every once in a while.

“You always say that,” Baekhyun quips back, grabbing his fork and reaching over to grab a piece of Jongdae’s dessert as well. “It’s, like, one of your most used sayings,” he says with his mouth full. “That and your typical whining. I can’t believe you haven’t outgrown that yet.”

“Like you haven’t outgrown all the sounds you make when you sleep,” Jongdae counters back, but he does nothing to defend his cake slice. He just watches and Kyungsoo finds them cute together.

Slowly, almost one by one, all the main lights in the room start shutting off. Each one gives way for a more colorful, brighter light, and they all pause in what they’re doing to look around to see what’s going on.

“Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” the emcee shouts. The excitement that starts flowing through Kyungsoo is unreal. “It’s time to party!”

Kyungsoo makes a beeline to Minseok and Chanyeol almost immediately. He ignores Baekhyun and Jongdae’s confused calls of his names and he ignores the yelp Chanyeol gives him when he slams a hand down on his and Minseok’s shoulders at the same time. He takes a moment to really stare at them before he catches sight of Chanyeol awkwardly dropping his hand from Minseok’s thigh.

“I can explain,” Chanyeol blurts, throwing his hands up in the air. It makes Minseok laugh and Kyungsoo frowns, severely confused. “I haven’t done anything.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t believe that for one second. “Right,” he mutters, still staring at him, before he drags his gaze away from Chanyeol to look at Minseok instead.

To his credit, Minseok simply shrugs like everything isn’t a big deal. “Look to the far right corner near the stage,” he says, smiling when Baekhyun and Jongdae finally make their way to them. “Hey, guys.”

“I can see Canada has been changing you,” Baekhyun greets in turn, hugging Minseok from behind, before moving so Jongdae can have a turn. “I don’t know if it’s for the worse or better.”

Kyungsoo isn’t even paying attention to them anymore. Instead, he’s searching the far right corner of the large room for something that could explain all of this. It takes him a few minutes, but when he sees _her_ , he scowls. “How is having _your_ hand on _his_ thigh underneath the table where _she_ can’t see beneficial in any way?” He frowns when he hears Chanyeol’s nervous chuckle.

“What are you—”

Kyungsoo waits for Jongdae and Baekhyun to catch up. It takes a moment of silence and Kyungsoo finally turning to put a hand on Baekhyun’s chest to get both of them to stop whatever they’re about to do. He sighs, when he glances to the side and sees Minseok holding up his phone for Jongdae and Baekhyun to read. He quirks an eyebrow when he sees a picture of Yifan pouting unattractively in whatever messaging app Minseok has open.

“You sly cat,” Baekhyun whispers. There’s a grin growing on his face and Kyungsoo feels like that’s his cue to drop his hand. “Are you dating him? You went with it?”

The small smile and embarrassed nod Minseok gives them is adorable, even though he’s reaching his later thirties. He puts his phone to sleep before setting it down beside his plate and then he’s turning to grab Chanyeol’s hand. “Let’s dance,” he proposes. Chanyeol nods and suddenly, they’re no longer beside them.

All of their jaws drop and Kyungsoo still doesn’t have any answers to all the questions he may or may not have to actually ask their friends. He glances over to the corner though, where Chanyeol’s ex-wife is still sitting, and he catches a glimpse of her glancing over to Chanyeol and— he sighs, “Are we back in high school or something?”

“I sure hope not,” Jongdae answers. He frowns. They all watch as Minseok turns back to someone in his twenties and dancing like he’s trying to get into Chanyeol’s pants. What the fuck. “Or else I wouldn’t be having the greatest sex in my entire life.”

“And two cute children,” Baekhyun adds absentmindedly. When Kyungsoo looks over to him, Baekhyun is busy watching Chanyeol and Minseok, with his head tilted. “What the—”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, slaps a hand on Baekhyun’s chest again. “Well, my entertainment is over until those two actually try to give me some answers.” He glances at Jongdae, too, who’s busy glancing over to the ex-wife every few seconds. “I’m going to get a virgin drink.”

“Get me a whiskey—I haven’t seen Minseok move like that since our club days. What— Is that even appropriate here?”

Without saying anything, Kyungsoo simply shrugs. He walks off to get a drink, greets the other physicians who greet him, and tries to ignore the fact that he’s known friends with the two doctors almost grinding on the dance floor.

He waits by the bar with Baekhyun’s whiskey, checking his phone real quick to make sure he hasn’t missed any messages whatsoever, and makes small talk with others who initiate it. He gives them polite smiles and greetings until he feels a hand slide around his lower back. He turns his head in time to Baekhyun reaching around his front to grab his glass and he tries to stop the smile from forming on his lips when he hears Baekhyun mutter, “Wow, I can’t believe we went clubbing with that demon all those years ago.”

“I’m pretty sure that was just, like, five years ago,” Kyungsoo murmurs. He leans back against the counter and Baekhyun’s arm, taking a sip of his drink, and searches for Jongdae. “Where’d you leave the other one?”

The cough Baekhyun lets out is typical after his first sip of his preferred drink. “Trying to break up Minseok and Chanyeol,” Baekhyun answers. He grimaces when he takes another sip. “I know Chanyeol wears his heart on his sleeve and he says he’s okay, but I don’t know if he’ll ever heal from her.”

“It’ll take a while,” Kyungsoo murmurs, turning and swinging his arm around so he can wrap Baekhyun into his side instead. He takes another sip of his drink the moment Baekhyun lays his head on his shoulder. “If he and Sehun are really dating, or about to date, maybe he just needs that reassurance.”

The smell of Baekhyun’s whiskey is strong. It permeates his senses like the antiseptics in the hospital and he tries to wake up because of it. It helps give him a sense of clarity he didn’t have before and he hopes it digs into his mind deep enough to get rid of the feeling of _strange_ and _out-of-place_. He slowly brings his drink back up to his lips, but he doesn’t feel thirsty anymore. He feels like he’s living off of the smell of the alcohol.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun calls, voice louder than normal. It pulls Kyungsoo out of his thoughts. “Kyungsoo, your phone is ringing.”

Kyungsoo frowns, “It is?” He turns slightly to put his glass on the counter behind them, careful not to dislodge Baekhyun, and grabs for his phone. True to Baekhyun’s word, it is ringing and it’s from the hospital across town. “Hello? Dr. Do,” he answers, moving in closer when Baekhyun tries to cuddle into his side.

“I’m just calling to let you know about a consult,” the physician informs. “I’m sorry to interrupt you while you’re out.”

It’s then that Kyungsoo completely tunes him out. He simply gives a hum in return before tilting his head to see how Baekhyun is doing. There’s a calm expression to his face as he watches the crowd before them and Kyungsoo can’t help placing a gentle kiss to the top of his head. He looks serene like this.

“That’s fine,” Kyungsoo answers after a couple of minutes, quickly placing another kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead before he turns to give the other doctor his full attention. “I have no further orders to give. Put in the standard protocol and I’ll see her in the morning.”

“Alright, will do. Thanks. Enjoy your evening.”

Kyungsoo hums before he hangs up. He slips his phone back into his pocket before grabbing his glass again and finishing off his drink in one go. It’s sweet and he sighs, looks over to the bartender at the other end of the counter. He wants something a little more sour this time but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Baekhyun looks comfortable like this.

“Maybe we get to sleep together tonight,” Baekhyun murmurs. His words are starting to slur already. One more drink and it’ll be noticeable to the rest of their colleagues. “Not actually, like, have sexual relations but cuddle and fall asleep together in the same bed.”

Honestly, Kyungsoo doesn’t know how he can still get lost in his head when he’s around someone like Baekhyun. He can’t help but smile because of him. “Maybe we can,” he answers, raising his empty glass when he catches the bartender’s glance in their direction. “Something a bit more sour this time,” he requests. “Surprise me.” The bartender nods and Kyungsoo goes back to Baekhyun. “And another whiskey on the rocks,” he adds, hearing Baekhyun’s quiet cheer.

“I’m such a lightweight,” Baekhyun sings softly. Kyungsoo laughs just as quietly, even as the bass of the music pulses loud all around them. “I’ll stop smoking,” he suddenly announces, “Unless you smoke with me, because then we’d be the smoking hot husbands.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo laughs out, loudly, turning to retrieve his drink when the bartender sets it down next to Baekhyun’s free side. His actions shake Baekhyun awake, making him straighten up, and Kyungsoo’s pleased to see there’s still a clarity to his eyes. “I’m going to stop you right there because this is no environment to be talking about our personal lives.”

The way Baekhyun giggles is adorable, but he tries to straighten up a bit more as he leans back against the counter. There’s a small space between them now. It helps give them a moment to breathe, and then Baekhyun sings, “But you liked it, I know you did.”

Kyungsoo laughs at that. He watches as Baekhyun gives him a lopsided grin before turning to grab his drink. He sighs before he takes a huge gulp of it and Kyungsoo can’t help but send him his own lopsided smile, shaking his head fondly before looking out to the rest of the venue and taking a sip of his drink. He raises an eyebrow when he sees Wonsik walk up to them with sweat already dotting his forehead.

“Well, don’t you clean up nice,” his colleague greets, requesting a drink from the bartender. “I see Baekhyun is enjoying his night.”

“You fucking _bet_ ,” Baekhyun suddenly blurts. Kyungsoo chokes on his drink. “Kyungsoo looks hot and he’s my date. I’m so lucky.”

It takes a moment but when it hits, the realization of his words, Wonsik bursts into laughter and Kyungsoo groans. “He’s practically your husband,” Wonsik explains. He wraps an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders and lets him lean against him in return. “I would hope he’s attractive to you.”

“I find it offensive you _don’t_ find him attractive,” Baekhyun slurs.

Kyungsoo doesn’t even know why the man drinks alcohol.

“I admit he’s attractive,” Wonsik stage-whispers. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes when the other winks at him. “But not in the romantically or sexually-involved way.”

“I find that offensive!” Baekhyun exclaims, but he leans in further to Wonsik’s side. He’s absolutely ridiculous but now he has this dopey, fond smile on his lips and he won’t stop staring at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo just sorta— rolls his eyes and finishes off his drink. “My date,” he croons and Kyungsoo snaps.

“Okay, Baekhyun, it’s time to find Jongdae,” he hurriedly says, moving forward until he can manhandle Baekhyun to his side after depositing their drinks on the counter. He hates how hot he feels because Wonsik is now laughing at them. “You can still walk, right?” he scans the crowd nearest them before spotting Jongdae off to the side. “Jongdae!”

“I don’t want him!”

Kyungsoo groans, Wonsik laughs, and now Kyungsoo has to deal with a drunk Baekhyun until it becomes Jongdae’s job to take care of him if he gets called out tonight. He frowns when he feels Baekhyun push his face into his neck. “Okay, you need water,” he mumbles, feeling Baekhyun smile against him. “Hey, Wonsik—” he calls, trying to look over his shoulder.

“I got you,” Wonsik answers immediately, popping around Kyungsoo’s other side and handing him a glass of water. “You look better, too.”

Kyungsoo tries to ignore Wonsik’s random comment, tries to focus more on forcing the water down Baekhyun’s throat, but it’s hard when Wonsik simply stands by them to make sure they’re okay. He sighs when Baekhyun finally faces away from them and burps, sighs afterwards, too. He whips his head towards Wonsik then, “Don’t say anything.”

The expression on Wonsik’s face is one of concern, but he doesn’t say anything else about it. He stands back and gets more water for Baekhyun and Kyungsoo breathes a sigh of relief when Baekhyun whines, “Ugh, I’m going to explode if I drink anything else.” He looks remarkably more alert.

“Then that’s my cue to leave,” Wonsik announces. He slaps Baekhyun’s back in a friendly manner, but it makes him yelp. Kyungsoo snorts and pointedly ignores the look Wonsik is giving him. “See you later.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo murmurs. His colleague probably doesn’t hear him, but he does spare him another glance before he leaves to go find Hyunah. He’s the only one who knows about Kyungsoo’s spacing out—the intensity in the way he gets lost in his head—and he’d like to keep it that way until he’s ready to talk to Baekhyun about it. He thinks he’s even doing it now, because it takes Baekhyun stepping into his field of vision to get his attention again.

There’s a mixture of concern and haziness in Baekhyun’s gaze. The alcohol is still swimming in his system, but Kyungsoo _knows_ Baekhyun is still alert enough to comprehend what’s being said around him. He may act goofy and even Kyungsoo forgets Baekhyun is a force to be reckon with when it involves them. It makes Kyungsoo break.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” Kyungsoo mumbles. He hopes Baekhyun doesn’t hear him, but he sees Baekhyun tilt forward the last second and he knows he’s heard him. He has to catch him first though because he tilts forward too far. “We haven’t even gone dancing yet,” he mentions.

Baekhyun is quiet. He doesn’t say anything and that confuses him until Baekhyun rights himself up again. “I think I drank too much to even attempt dancing right now.” He’s smiling again but this time it’s cheeky. “You have to lead the dance this time.”

Kyungsoo can’t even argue with that. He wants to take his mind off of Wonsik’s comment, off of the memories of getting lost in his head at work and accidentally missing appointments. He wants to forget that he’s had those fleeting moments that could ruin his life, consequently ruining everyone else’s lives. He wants to forget that he doesn’t like psychology one bit because he doesn’t want to start any medications. He thinks there’s something wrong with him and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want anything to be wrong with him. He flinches when he feels soft lips touch his cheek.

“I would say something,” Baekhyun says, leaning up to kiss Kyungsoo’s temple before speaking softer into his ear. “But I figured you’re not really in the mood for it.”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes at the words. He tries to keep himself together for the night, because he doesn’t need to fall back into that hole now of all times. He wants to cry when he feels Baekhyun kiss his temple again. “I owe you a dance,” he ends up saying, jumping when he hears his phone ring in his pocket again. He fishes it out the moment he opens his eyes and turns so he can face Baekhyun and give him a small smile. “Dr. Do.”

“Cardiac alert. Sixty-three year old male. Typical ST elevations. Chest pain started an hour ago and he’s diaphoretic and vomiting.”

“Get him to the cath lab. I’ll be there shortly.” When Kyungsoo hangs up, there’s another dopey smile on Baekhyun’s face. “What?”

“My hot date is so attractive,” Baekhyun croons. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t stop the smile from forming on his own lips. “My hot date is a _doctor_. I’m gonna be so rich.”

“I can’t deal with your inebriation,” Kyungsoo retorts. He laughs and slaps Baekhyun’s hands away when he makes exaggerated grabby gestures towards him. “Stop that. Go drink more and stay with Jongdae.”

Baekhyun pouts, “My hot date is leaving me. I’m going to cry a river.”

It should be near impossible, but Kyungsoo already feels his cheeks hurting from laughing and smiling so much. “I’ll see you at home later, okay?” He turns and walks to the bar then, tells the bartender to get another glass of whiskey for Baekhyun. “My treat,” Kyungsoo says with a wink. He smiles wider when Baekhyun laughs and his ears turn noticeably pinker. “Jongdae!”

“I still don’t want him!”

Kyungsoo can’t even find their friend. “I have a case!” he shouts out, thankful the other guests simply ignore him. He’s pretty sure he hears a loud whine or groan, but he doesn’t know where from.

Within minutes, Jongdae appears from his left. He’s already sweating and there’s a healthy flush to his cheeks. “I wish Sunyoung was here,” he breathes, before he glances to the side where Kyungsoo assumes Baekhyun now has a hold of his third drink. “You really let him drink? How many is that?”

“Okay, why do _I_ have a limit?” Baekhyun whines, loudly.

Kyungsoo and Jongdae share a look before Kyungsoo, just, sighs. He walks over to kiss Baekhyun on the forehead before gesturing for him to go to Jongdae. “I’ll see you at home,” he tells him before looking to Jongdae. “Try and take care of him.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jongdae says with a wave of a hand. “I’ll try my best.”

“Thank you!”

“Good luck with your case!”

 

 

It’s freezing outside. Kyungsoo wants to go back inside and dance the night away, lose himself in the beat of the music, in their friends, in Baekhyun, but he has a job to do and he blasts the heat when the chauffeur finally brings his car to him and he gets inside. He makes his way to the hospital across town and quickly makes his way upstairs, shivering as he tries and lets the heat pull all the cold from his body.

Within minutes, he’s in the first room of the cath lab. A glass window and door separates him from the patient inside and he nods to the nurses who see and greet him first. “A pair of scrubs,” he calls out, watching as someone scurries off to get him a fresh pair of clothes.

“You look good, Dr. Do!” a nurse calls out through the window. Kyungsoo smiles. It’s a good thing the patient is already intubated and under anesthetics. “Sorry we interrupted your evening.”

Kyungsoo simply waves them off. “I figured some work should be done,” he retorts, causing them to laugh. He smiles when the nurse returns and gives him a spare pair of grey scrubs.

It takes a few minutes, but he manages to fold his clothes neatly and place them in one of the visitors’ bags. He stuffs his suit jacket in there next before carrying his larger jacket out with him to drape across the back of one chair in the observation room. He makes sure to wash his hands and arms twice before putting on his gloves and surgical outfit and then he gets lost in the motions.

The procedure lasts over three hours this time. By the time he’s done, it’s past midnight and he’s tired. He collapses into the chair in the next room and watches as the nurses inside clean up. The patient is stable, so he guesses everything’s good now. He just wants to relax and maybe nap before possibly getting called out again.

“Thank you, Dr. Do,” one of the nurses says as he walks past him.

All Kyungsoo can do is nod and force himself to stand so he can go home. He makes it to the entrance of the hospital before he actually checks his phone. There’s a message from Jongdae saying he got Baekhyun undressed and tucked into bed an hour ago but then there’s another message from another doctor in the facility saying there was another cardiac alert and the patient was already transferred upstairs. That makes Kyungsoo stop in his tracks, only because he doesn’t remember seeing another patient upstairs waiting for surgery.

He immediately calls the emergency room. He walks back into the main area of the hospital to make his way back up to the cardiac floor when the secretary answers the phone. “Hey, Dr. Do. Are you calling back for a patient?” Nobody told him about another patient.

“I actually received a message from Dr. Kim,” Kyungsoo answers, “About forty minutes ago. There was a cardiac alert called.”

“Oh, yes, let me put her on the phone.”

Within seconds, Kyungsoo hears the line transfer over.

“Dr. Kim speaking. Hey, Kyungsoo. The answering service said one of your nurses informed them that you were in a procedure. Wonsik is up there now. Sorry for inconveniencing.”

It takes a moment, but then Kyungsoo is rushing upstairs because what the hell? “It’s fine,” he breathes into the speaker. He listens as she says something else before they hang up and then he’s walking further down the hallway to see that, yes, Wonsik is in there doing his own procedure. “What the hell, Wonsik?” he calls through the glass, tapping on it lightly.

Wonsik is a little preoccupied watching the screen for where he’s going, but once he’s finished that part, he’s glancing over his shoulder at him. “It’s cool,” he calls back. “Party was already ending and you seemed tied up with that other patient. I don’t mind.” He’s busy again and Kyungsoo feels—

Kyungsoo feels stuck.

“Kim seemed distressed, too,” Wonsik adds on. He keeps his back turned to him, but it’s definitely understandable. “She made it sound like he was going to turn into a code blue, which, I don’t really understand. All these cases can easily turn into code blues, but she seemed real panicked by it.”

Kyungsoo sighs as he leans against the railings in front of him. He watches as Wonsik does his thing, gives up his time for something Kyungsoo should be doing because that’s his extra role this entire week, and he sighs, again. He doesn’t leave until Wonsik is done.

“You actually changed your entire outfit? I just threw the scrubs on top of my suit.”

It doesn’t help that Kyungsoo is starting to develop a headache. He rubs his forehead. “I don’t want blood getting on this suit and I have to pay for special dry cleaning.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket again to check his non-existent messages.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Wonsik suddenly says. His voice is quiet and they bump shoulders. “You still haven’t told Baekhyun.”

“I’m still surprised you even noticed,” Kyungsoo mutters, side-eyeing his friend. “I can’t believe I see you more than I see my own fiancé husband person.”

Wonsik chuckles, “Only recently. It gets busy around this time of year.”

Well, he’s not wrong about that.

“You just seem to get worse during this season sometimes,” Wonsik continues. He shrugs afterwards. “You get into your head. You have little outbursts of intense emotion. Sometimes, you come in looking detached. To me, anyways. I worry.”

Kyungsoo sighs at that. He sighs and falls quiet because he knows that’s true. He’s started noticing it himself too. This is the third year it’s started to happen again. “I think it’s related to stress,” he mumbles, stopping just short of the automatic doors to the entrance of the hospital. “It’s the same stress I’ve been dealing with since medical school, but I don’t know. Maybe I hit a breaking point.”

Wonsik stands there with him. He doesn’t say anything and Kyungsoo is grateful for it. He can’t look up from the tile flooring. He can feel the cold air seep through the doors and into his clothes. He just needs a moment.

The moment breaks when Wonsik places a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “One day, you should talk to Baekhyun about this,” he says quietly. Kyungsoo isn’t sure. “He won’t love you any less. If anything by the way he was drunk-speaking earlier, he’s only ever loved you.”

Kyungsoo feels like he might cry. “He’s such a mess.” He doesn’t want to tell him, but he knows it’s only going to ruin him—them—more in the end if he doesn’t.

“Yeah,” Wonsik drawls, “But he’s your mess.”

That makes Kyungsoo smile. It’s small, very slight, but Baekhyun makes him happy. In retrospect, he always has. “Yeah,” he whispers, looking up to see out the glass doors and windows. It’s not snowing, but he feels like it should be.

There’s a gentle squeeze to his shoulder, but Wonsik doesn’t say a word. He just stands there with him and Kyungsoo really appreciates their friendship. He appreciates the quiet and understanding and how they can push each other to their limits until they get better. It’s like they’ve known each other their whole lives like how he feels like he’s known Baekhyun and Jongdae since birth. He appreciates Wonsik.

“I’m always here, too, if you just want to talk it out,” Wonsik quietly offers. He still doesn’t move, doesn’t indicate he probably wants to go home as much as Kyungsoo does, and Kyungsoo doesn’t deserve him.

Kyungsoo should go home.

“It just comes and goes, you know?” he ends up saying. His heart is beating erratically and he feels nervous when he shouldn’t be. It’s the irrational part of his brain saying, ‘ _he will leave, you’re too much of a burden_.’ “One moment, I’ll feel normal. The next, I’ll get sucked into my head. Sometimes, I want to cry. Sometimes, I just want to—,” Kyungsoo doesn’t know, “—want to sleep.”

Wonsik doesn’t move and Kyungsoo feels like he wants to cry. “It sounds close to depression,” his friend answers. He sounds thoughtful, but his hand remains on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Maybe that seasonal depression. You only seem to get like this when it’s the winter months. Or it’s more noticeable to me during these months anyways.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t deny it. He loves when it’s cold because he can bundle up and he loves the holidays, but the long nights with the stresses of increased workload make it rougher than it tends to be. It makes sense that Wonsik would be able to tell when Baekhyun can’t, yet. This month alone, he’s barely seen Baekhyun whereas Wonsik—he sees him at least five times a week, no matter the circumstances unless one of them is on vacation.

“Depression,” Kyungsoo echoes, whispers, because he’s thought about that too. He sounds like he has clinical depression, but it’s not all the time. He feels like it isn’t all the time.

“It’s okay,” Wonsik continues, walking ahead and turning so he can place both of his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders and stare down at him. “There’s nothing wrong with it. The mentality of our country makes it sound like it’s the worse thing on the planet, but it isn’t. It isn’t wrong.”

Almost immediately, Kyungsoo’s heart aches. He bites on his lower lip and he has to close his eyes to stop from crying suddenly. He feels like it’s wrong. He feels like something is wrong with him, but he shouldn’t feel that way. He can’t understand it. He can’t understand why their country thinks it’s so wrong, that it’s a burden, because he’s still being productive. He’s still doing his job and putting everyone else above himself. He wants to understand, but he’s scared. He thinks he’s shaking when he feels Wonsik cup a hand behind his neck.

“Hey, you’re not alone.” Wonsik sounds sad. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to make him sad too. “I’ll be here for you too. No matter what.”

Kyungsoo tries his best to stifle a sob when Wonsik pulls him in for a hug. His phone rings, but he ignores it, only because he really needs a hug right now. He doesn’t remove himself even as Wonsik searches his jacket pockets for his phone and answers it instead.

“Dr. Kim. Dr. Do is preoccupied at the moment.”

Kyungsoo knows it’ll be unusual for anyone calling him at this time. It’s unusual overall unless he’s already in a procedure and he makes his best effort to compose himself again. He tries. He listens as Wonsik hangs up and pulls back to hand him his phone again.

“Usual hospital. Need a cath for an older lady. Stable. No symptoms right now.”

There’s that expression of concern on his face, but it eases off the longer he stares at him. Kyungsoo tries his best to show he’s okay. He’s going to be okay. “I should get going then,” he mutters, biting his lip again, as he takes his phone and checks his messages. There’s none, but he feels the need to check. “Go and save a life.”

“Save yours too,” Wonsik suddenly says. It catches Kyungsoo off-guard. “Come on,” he says, tilts his head back, “I’ll drive with you.”

Kyungsoo immediately shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and exits the hospital. “No, you go home.” Wow, this air is _brisk_. His eyes are watering on their own. “It’s freezing. Go home and get in bed.”

“Not until I know you’re safe there,” Wonsik argues, following after him. “I’ll follow you regardless. You have to text me when you get home after work, too. It’s law, by best friendship!”

A smile cracks on Kyungsoo’s lips. “I’m surrounded by the most foolish people on the planet,” he says in return, smile widening when he hears Wonsik’s laughter. He stops midway and turns, gasping when Wonsik bumps into him. “Thank you,” he breathes, staring up at his friend’s wide eyes. They soften the moment he registers his words.

“Always here, yeah?”


	2. Chapter 2

There are times where moments simply remain moments. There are times where moments culminate into something more—something more meaningful, something more devastating, something more than a human being could possibly understand—and Kyungsoo tends to find himself in those types of moments the most. He never really realizes it until it’s too late but when he does, he tries to remember that there will always be someone there with him to work through it all even when he tries to take it on himself. Most of the time, it’s Baekhyun. Other times, it’s Wonsik. Sometimes, in the rarest of times, it’s Chanyeol.

They went to the same high school together. They talked every now and then, were on the verge of becoming friends, but then they graduated before anything else could happen. They easily lost touch after that. Kyungsoo moved on to medical school, met Baekhyun, started dating him, and it wasn’t until they were in their residencies that he ever heard of the name Park Chanyeol again. He didn’t even think it was possible until he made his first rounds in the ER when he first graduated that he actually believed it was the same man.

It was strange—another moment recorded in time—and Kyungsoo still can’t believe they were able to reconnect after so many years. He was one of the few people who could understand him when others can’t. He could read how Kyungsoo is feeling and adjust to fit on the same wavelength as him, and Kyungsoo appreciates him probably more than Chanyeol can ever know.

It’s different from Wonsik—their friendship—and it gives him time to think, to really evaluate how he’s doing right here, right now.

“It’s a little strange to get barbecue so early in the day,” Chanyeol comments. It pulls Kyungsoo out of his thoughts. It’s abrupt, makes him unsteady, but then he focuses on Chanyeol grilling the meat between them, all the side dishes already divided between them. “But it smells good.”

Kyungsoo hums. It’s soft, out of place, absentminded. It sounds foreign to his own ears, but he can see when Chanyeol realizes something’s different. His friend falls quiet and he glances at him a couple of times before he puts his focus into the food between them. It allows Kyungsoo to think, to fall back and get lost in his head, and he wishes the littlest bit that Chanyeol would talk to help keep him out of his own head.

Kyungsoo doesn’t even know how long he sits there staring at the grill between them. He can see his phone light up out of the corners of his eyes, but then his screen fades back to black and he knows he doesn’t need to leave for a case. It’s probably a text message. But from who, he isn’t sure. It’s probably Baekhyun. He should respond to Baekhyun, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think he can.

He isn’t even paying that much attention to anything else. He should feel bad, but he can’t bring himself to do anything, to _feel_ anything. He can only watch as Chanyeol slides a plate of food towards him. A small bowl of rice sits next to it and he stares as Chanyeol puts a couple slices of beef on top of it to let some of the sauce soak into the rice, too.

“Even in high school,” Chanyeol starts off. His voice is quiet, like he’s thinking, and he isn’t eating either. He simply sits there with his arms crossed on top of the table. “I haven’t seen you like this.”

Inhale. Exhale.

Kyungsoo looks up.

“I know you’re happy with Baekhyun,” Chanyeol continues. He looks concerned, always with his heart on his sleeve. “So, it shouldn’t really be involving him. Directly, at least.”

There it is. The scent of the food, wafting up, making Kyungsoo’s stomach growl. Kyungsoo tries to remember what he even called Chanyeol out here for. It’s hard to think when he doesn’t really want to think at all.

“Kyungsoo, what’s going on?”

Kyungsoo just wants— Inhale. Exhale. “I just want some company,” he finally murmurs. His eyes are watering, but he thinks it’s because he hasn’t blinked in so long. He blinks, and his eyes burn for a moment. “Sorry, Chanyeol,” he breathes, blinks again. He shakes his head in an attempt to clear it. “I just needed some company.”

There’s a moment where Chanyeol is silent. He doesn’t move and he doesn’t leave and Kyungsoo doesn’t realize he breathes out a sigh of relief when all Chanyeol says is “Then let’s eat. I’m not eating without you.”

It’s a simple friendship they have, but it’s one Kyungsoo adores. He doesn’t even need to say anything for Chanyeol to know there’s more to what he’s saying, to why he asked him out for lunch, when Kyungsoo could’ve just stayed home. He could’ve been sleeping and Chanyeol could’ve been out doing errands on his day off instead of being here with him and—

“You don’t have to talk to Baekhyun about whatever it is that’s bothering you,” Chanyeol murmurs. He’s still eating, focus back on his food, and he doesn’t look up until the end. “We’re all entitled to our own secrets. But if it’s going to harm you in the future, in whatever way possible, and could potentially harm Baekhyun, too, then consider talking to him. It won’t help talking to me or Wonsik.”

Kyungsoo feels his heart stop. “Wonsik?”

Chanyeol shrugs. “He hasn’t told me anything, but Baekhyun was concerned the night of the gala. You know how he is when he gets drunk.” He smiles at him then, and Kyungsoo hopes Sehun or whoever Chanyeol dates in the future is going to treat him right this time. “You know he isn’t going to probe or force you to tell him everything. He respects you and your space. I just figured I should be the one to let the secret slip that he _is_ concerned. He’s not your ‘extremely hot date who’s going to be rich because I’m dating a doctor’ for nothing.”

At that, Kyungsoo bursts out laughing. He thinks he chokes on a piece of rice because now he’s coughing and wheezing while he’s laughing. He must look like a fool, but he’s dating Baekhyun and that trumps everything else going on right now.

“He seriously told that to anyone who’d listen to him,” Chanyeol explains, laughing with him, though it’s softer, gentler. It helps calm him down and drink more water. “You have yourself a good man, Kyungsoo. Even though, he can be quite questionable half the time.”

Silence falls between them after that. The words sink in and Kyungsoo feels his heart racing. He picks at his rice and he feels… loved. Baekhyun really is a good man.

“Kyungsoo—”

“I’m sorry we weren’t there for you,” Kyungsoo suddenly blurts out. He panics the second the words leave his mouth. His eyes are wide and Chanyeol looks just as surprised as him when he finally looks up too. It’s awkward. “I—” Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say. “Why did I say that?”

The way Chanyeol froze makes Kyungsoo wish he never even opened his mouth. He called Chanyeol out for lunch to try and talk through everything before trying to bring it up with Baekhyun, but he can’t even bring himself to mention it to one of his, technically, longest friends. He can’t even believe he brought up Chanyeol’s past too. What kind of friend is he? He bites his lip when he watches Chanyeol resume eating. “Chanyeol.”

“She was a good actress,” Chanyeol murmurs quietly. He keeps eating, like it doesn’t affect him anymore. “I loved her, but I guess whatever we had wasn’t enough.”

“You are more than enough,” Kyungsoo retorts. He thinks he almost screams it, so he quiets his voice again, to make sure. “Chanyeol, you are more than enough.”

Chanyeol shrugs. “It took a while,” he says, glancing up once, before looking back to his food, “but, yeah, I know I’m more than enough. It happens more often than we’d like to believe. People fall in love all the time. They can also fall out of it just as easily.” He sighs then, puts down his utensils. “I don’t know. We were married. I thought marriage was a sure thing, but I also forget that it’s simply a label. Some people put more weight into it than others and I was one of those people. I don’t know. I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t have kids. That would’ve been even harder.”

Kyungsoo wants to ask about Sehun. He wants to ask if Chanyeol really is okay after everything, after taking time to heal, but he doesn’t want to continue bringing up painful memories. He messed up.

“I’ve talked to Baekhyun about this too, you know,” Chanyeol says. He reaches out and Kyungsoo glances down to see Chanyeol giving him more of his own meat. “Whenever one of us is arriving or leaving. I know he feels guilty about it all, but life is life and that happened. I still hurt, but I’m trying to live with it and move on.” He suddenly reaches for his cell phone on the table, where it’s face down, and opens it up before turning it to face Kyungsoo. “Sehun is wanting to transfer out of the ER. He’s cute and he’s genuine.”

Chanyeol’s home screen is a picture of him and Sehun laughing. Sehun has an arm slung around Chanyeol’s shoulders to pull him down some while Chanyeol has an arm around his waist and even while Chanyeol is attempting to kiss Sehun’s cheek, they’re all big smiles.

“He’s sincere in everything he does, so I’m taking a chance,” Chanyeol finishes. There’s a small smile to his lips when Kyungsoo looks at him. “I don’t really think Sehun wants me for my money. We’ve all hung out together before.” But then, he sighs. “I think my past relationship ruined Baekhyun too. I’m sorry about that.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s apologizing. He knows Baekhyun had trouble with his insecurity and the terms of ‘marriage’ with their profession, but he also knows that fear had been there since Baekhyun first started medical school, before he met Chanyeol.

“I don’t even know why this lunch turned sad. It’s sad. Let’s talk about this food,” Chanyeol suddenly says. He tries to switch topics, but Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he needs to say something before it becomes too late and then everything becomes awkward again.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo interrupts, blurts out again. He needs to say this. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch with you after high school.” Kyungsoo doesn’t keep up with a lot of people because they tend to leave, but he’s been trying to change that. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend.” He wants to be a better person. “I’m sorry—”

“Oh, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol sighs. That same small smile is back on his lips and he reaches out to gently cradle the side of Kyungsoo’s head before pulling back again. “Talk to Baekhyun. My words won’t compare, but you’re more than enough, too.”

 

 

Kyungsoo can recognize the scent this time. He can smell it the moment Baekhyun walks through the front door. With bags under his eyes and his head tilted down instead of up, Kyungsoo knows it’s been hard on him. It’s been hard on both of them and Kyungsoo pulls Baekhyun to him the moment he steps out of the bathroom.

He pulls Baekhyun down with him to their bed. He pulls Baekhyun in for a kiss that’s as tired as they feel and he pulls Baekhyun in for a hug afterwards. He simply lies there with his fiancé because he craves for his touch, more than anything else. He lets out a sigh when Baekhyun reaches for the fluffy blanket at the end of their bed to drape over them. It’s finally warm.

“I’m going to nap, okay?” Baekhyun quietly mumbles. His eyes are already closed and his grip on him has loosened and Kyungsoo simply relaxes as he lets Baekhyun turn to lie on his back. He drapes an arm over his fiancé’s waist.

“Comfortable?” Kyungsoo asks, watches as Baekhyun tilts his head towards him, with a sleepy smile on his face.

“Yeah.”

Kyungsoo returns the smile. He leans in to kiss Baekhyun’s shoulder before he tries to chant ‘relax’ in his head. He blinks, and blinks, and blinks, chanting the same word over and over again, until he finally falls asleep next to his fiancé.

 

 

When Kyungsoo wakes up, it’s in the middle of the night. It’s close to one in the morning, the bathroom light is on, and Kyungsoo promptly… panics.

He snaps up in bed, gasping, as he looks around the room. He doesn’t even know _why_ he’s panicking, but he is and he can’t find Baekhyun anywhere. He feels completely out of place. He feels _alone_ and he’s always been a loner more often than not, but this feels _different_. He feels scared.

“Baekhyun?” he calls out. He tries to remember, panics more, knows Baekhyun shouldn’t be working right now. “Baekhyun!” He can’t even think to grab his glasses. Why—?

He’s in the middle of rushing out of bed, getting tangled and caught up in the sheets, about to call Baekhyun’s name again, when he suddenly hears harsh breathing. He looks up immediately to see a blurry figure in the doorway and he doesn’t believe the relief that floods him when he realizes it’s Baekhyun standing there. He’s standing there and staring at him and he’s so blurry—Kyungsoo breaks. He sobs.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun breathes. He sounds surprised, confused, but he’s coming closer into view and Kyungsoo can’t help finally stepping out and away from the bed to fall into his arms. “Kyungsoo, what’s wrong?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even know. He only clings to Baekhyun. He soaks in his warmth, his soothing voice and strong arms, and he can’t understand the sudden panic in waking up alone in their room. Half the time, there’s usually only one of them sleeping in their bed at a time. It’s nothing abnormal. It’s actually _normal_ for one of them to be home alone and _he doesn’t understand_.

“I’m right here, Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo feels like he can’t breathe. “Let’s go back to bed.”

Baekhyun is gentle in guiding him back towards the bed. He’s gentle in cradling him, in wrapping the blankets around their waists and holding his hand. He’s gentle in speaking to him. It’s another side of Baekhyun only Kyungsoo usually sees. It helps calm him down, helps him breathe through his tears and try to regain his senses. He can’t stop shaking.

“My sweetheart,” Baekhyun calls. It’s soothing—his voice—, like a warm blanket on a chilly day, and Kyungsoo tries to focus on that. He tries to focus on Baekhyun’s breathing, the way his heart beats in his chest, the way he keeps rubbing Kyungsoo’s arm in another attempt to calm him down. “Love,” he breathes.

Kyungsoo can feel his anxiety dwindle even more, centering into the middle of his chest, and he closes his eyes at the feeling of it. He lets all the tears fall, wonders when was the last time he really _cried_ , and he can’t remember. He doesn’t ever cry. It’s _unusual_ for him to cry and it’s probably long overdue by now. He breathes in deep.

Inhale. Exhale. His face is warm.

“Sweetheart,” Baekhyun reiterates. This time he’s singing softly, a tune only they can hear. “Because your heart is so sweet.”

The words are enough to make Kyungsoo smile, despite his constant sniffling, trying to avoid getting snot everywhere because that’s gross.

“Kyungsoo, because your beautiful mother gave you a beautiful name to call my own.”

Kyungsoo pushes his face into Baekhyun’s neck. It’s embarrassing—Kyungsoo can feel Baekhyun flinch at the sudden touch, the feeling of his tears on his skin—, but then Baekhyun is laughing. It reverberates through his entire body, echoing into Kyungsoo’s own, and Kyungsoo can’t help but let out a stray chuckle at the feeling.

“Kyungsoo, my love.”

It’s embarrassing, but Kyungsoo loves it when Baekhyun calls him all these little nicknames. It makes him feel loved, special, and he thinks he might be crying again. He can feel his body shaking and his head hurts, but Baekhyun is here and he isn’t going away anytime soon.

“My Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun breathes. His voice is still soft, still gentle, and even his kisses mimic it. He’s kissing the top of his head, his forehead, the back of his hand, anywhere he can reach, like Kyungsoo will break if he does it any harder. Honestly, Kyungsoo isn’t even sure if he’s already broken or not.

They fall into silence after that. Kyungsoo tries to let all the nerves out, all the built up tears and fears, because he finally wants to feel free about everything. He wants to be open about what he feels and if it’s something that can actually be fixed or not. Why aren’t more physicians open about this? Why aren’t they warning the younger generations about what can happen in the future after all the work and time that’s put into this profession? It isn’t all glamour. It isn’t all money. It’s also mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. It’s dealing with frustration and death on a daily basis or monotony and boredom where everything becomes a chore instead of something they love.

Kyungsoo loves being a physician. He loves all the hard work he put into becoming one, into overcoming every hardship and frustration into becoming who he is today. He loves his career choice and path and to be honest, without it, without this, he wouldn’t have Baekhyun. It’s, just, hard.

“I don’t know when it started,” Kyungsoo whispers. His voice is watery, scratchy—he doesn’t even know. It sounds different, so he tries to clear it. “It just— did.”

The room is quiet. The bathroom light is still on. The hallway is shining too bright to only have the a couple lights on.

Kyungsoo breathes in deep, breathes out a shaky, “Baekhyun,” and feels himself start to cry again. He clings onto Baekhyun, hand wrapping itself in the fabric of his fiancé’s shirt, because he doesn’t know how to cope with this. “I—I think—”

“I’m right here,” Baekhyun says softly, hushing him just as quietly, trying to calm him down. “Take your time, Kyungsoo.”

It’s too much. Kyungsoo’s heart is going into overdrive and he can’t stop crying. He’s scared.

Neither of them speak again. Minutes pass, maybe even hours, and Kyungsoo whines when he starts hiccuping. They’re still sitting in bed, with Baekhyun cradling him, but it isn’t long until Baekhyun makes the next move, maneuvers them until he’s on his back on the bed with Kyungsoo cuddled up close to him. Baekhyun’s shirt is soaked and Kyungsoo isn’t sure if it’s just from his tears or if he’s sweating too.

Kyungsoo feels foggy. He feels exhausted, not enough energy to even lift a finger, and he falls into the rhythm of Baekhyun’s soothing gestures, the way he’s singing softly into the air around them. Kyungsoo doesn’t even realize it when he falls asleep, listening to Baekhyun’s songs and his heartbeat.

 

 

“I know, Chanyeol, just let all the other physicians text Kyungsoo if he has a consult. If it’s an emergency, just call the answering service and one of us will answer.”

It’s quiet. It’s easy to fall into its embrace and go back to sleep, but the panic from before starts building up again. It starts off small, the size of a pea, and it grows until Kyungsoo can’t help but open his eyes, tilt his head around to try and find Baekhyun because he knows he’s near. His voice is so clear, but it’s quiet, like he’s trying to avoid disturbing the peace of their room.

“I’ve already talked to Wonsik and Sunyoung, too. I need to stay here and make sure Kyungsoo gets some rest.”

It’s too much. Kyungsoo’s body feels sore and his eyes ache. “Baekhyun?” he ends up calling out. His throat hurts, but he doesn’t think he can cry anymore. “Baekhyun.”

“I have to go,” he can hear Baekhyun say. “Thank you.”

Within minutes, Kyungsoo sucks in a deep breath when he sees Baekhyun come into view. His fiancé looks worried—more like distressed—, but then there’s that same pouring of love in his eyes as he helps him sit up. He holds a glass of water up to his lips and Kyungsoo tries to take his time in gulping it down. He’s parched and he tries not to choke when he finishes off the glass in one go.

Baekhyun’s hand returns to rubbing circles on his back. It helps soothes him and Kyungsoo breathes in deep. Inhale. Exhale. He can’t believe the courage he feels when he finally looks to Baekhyun again, actually takes the time to stare at him, because Baekhyun is— Baekhyun— “Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo whispers. All his fiancé does is give him a small smile, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have any tears left to shed.

“I’m right here,” Baekhyun eventually murmurs. He leans in and kisses his forehead and Kyungsoo feels safe. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

It takes a moment for Kyungsoo to open his eyes again—he almost forgets they’re even closed when Baekhyun kisses his forehead—and it only takes another moment for Kyungsoo to drop his gaze down to Baekhyun’s lips. It takes a second to remember how soft they felt against his own skin, and then it takes another before they’re meeting for a kiss on the lips.

It feels rushed. It feels like eternity. It feels like it takes Kyungsoo’s breath away and he gasps when Baekhyun breaks the kiss to kiss the corner of his lips instead, around his mouth, up to the area beneath his ear, even down the side of his neck. And then he’s kissing him on the lips again and Kyungsoo can’t help but moan at the feeling.

Getting lost in Baekhyun is the best thing Kyungsoo has and will ever experience.

Like breaking out of a trance, Baekhyun moves slowly until he’s gently resting his forehead against Kyungsoo’s own. It’s serene—their own little world—and Kyungsoo feels himself slipping up, the words sliding out of his mouth before he can even think to stop it. A moment of weakness, no longer concerned.

“Something is wrong with me,” he whispers, eyes still closed. It’s barely audible even for him and he panics for a moment. He’s afraid to see what Baekhyun will do, waits for Baekhyun to pull away and stare at him differently, because, sometimes, Kyungsoo can’t even recognize himself in the mirror anymore. He gasps when he feels soft lips touch his own again, “Baekhyun—”

“Nothing could ever be wrong with you,” Baekhyun murmurs. He keeps kissing him in between his words and it’s making Kyungsoo dizzy. “Everything that is a part of you is _you_. Whatever it is, I’ll still love _you_.”

And Kyungsoo can’t believe it, but he feels the tears build up in his eyes again before he feels them finally tip over, fall down his cheeks. “I,” he mutters, finally blinks his eyes open and pulls away. Like this, he can see Baekhyun clearly. He can see the worry and love in his eyes and it’s only in the reassurance of Baekhyun clinging onto his hand that he can keep going. “I don’t know,” he says, swallows, tries to explain. “I… have suicidal thoughts sometimes.” He can see the flash of panic in Baekhyun’s eyes before it fades and he stays quiet, waits for him to finish. “It’s not… consistent. It’s fleeting,” Kyungsoo murmurs. He can’t look away from Baekhyun. “It’s, like, I’ll be driving and I’ll look over when I’m passing over a bridge and I just think ‘it’d be cold to veer off and fall into the water.’”

Kyungsoo breathes in deep, blinks, looks down to Baekhyun lacing their fingers together. “Sometimes, I don’t even remember how I get home. I get into my car and drive, and then I’m suddenly pulling into our driveway.” He bites his lip, plays with Baekhyun’s fingers. “I don’t think I’m depressed, but I think I have all the clinical signs of it. It isn’t all the time either. It’s just…” Kyungsoo still isn’t sure. He closes his eyes when he feels Baekhyun’s other hand come up to gently wipe at his cheeks. “Seasonal depression?” he asks, “It’s just been a couple years, now, maybe three. It always happens in the winter time. Stress—I don’t know.” He sighs when he feels Baekhyun lean over to kiss his forehead. “Baekhyun, it gets bad and I’m scared.”

For a good while, Kyungsoo doesn’t hear any type of response from Baekhyun. There isn’t any movement except for Baekhyun playing with his fingers, too, and Kyungsoo doesn’t think he has it in him to panic as much as he’s been doing recently. He just feels tired, exhaustion pulling at him from all directions, and he’s still scared, the anxiety eating away at his mind, but he simply _can’t_ feel it, not right now anyways.

He thinks back, to when he had all those thoughts, when he was driving, walking, working, and he just—keeps talking. “I’ll be driving,” he murmurs, “and I’ll think about driving off the road, but then I’ll think about how quickly I am capable to remove the headrest from the driver’s seat and break the window to escape. I’ll think about how will the car split if it’s driven into a pole. I think about if I could do the impossible and jump high enough if I walk into the streets to avoid maximum damage.” He can’t stop from biting his lip again, taps a fingertip against Baekhyun’s fingernail. “I don’t know how to fix it,” he finally finishes. “Baekhyun, I get tired and I don’t know how to fix it.”

It falls silent again. Kyungsoo knows Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. Baekhyun’s told him before that he can’t comprehend topics like these, how every time he sees a psychiatric patient in the emergency room, he can’t understand how one could think to even end their own life. He can’t understand the feelings and thoughts behind such actions and it’s surprised Kyungsoo how many times Baekhyun had expressed to him that he just _can’t get it_. Kyungsoo could always understand it perfectly, even in medical school, but he guesses he knows why now.

“I,” Baekhyun suddenly says, cuts himself off. It pulls Kyungsoo out of his thoughts, makes him look up to see Baekhyun has been staring at him all this time, and he feels exposed, in a different way. Baekhyun is staring at him like he’s trying to understand. He’s staring at him as if he’s suddenly become a patient, the natural instinct to fall back to not get attached because getting attached to a patient in the emergency room isn’t always a good thing.

Slowly, the expression on his fiancé’s face morphs. It changes into something familiar, something Kyungsoo is used to seeing every day, and somehow, it makes him feel better.

“You’re so strong,” Baekhyun says, whispers, almost like he’s trying to remind Kyungsoo of something he doesn’t even know. “Not everything in life can be an easy fix,” he continues. “Not everything in life can be repaired with tape or medications. An easy fix means it’s easy to split back open into something possibly worse, something deadly, but you’re already trying to fix yourself.” He gives him a lopsided grin and Kyungsoo can’t believe he lets out a burst of laughter at that. “It probably isn’t the right words to say, but you’re fighting. You’re not looking for an easy fix.”

And it helps. Kyungsoo isn’t even sure what he’s looking for when he told Baekhyun all of this, but Baekhyun’s words—they help. It might not seem like much at all, but it means more than Kyungsoo could even fathom. He doesn’t understand it.

“It’s okay to be tired,” Baekhyun murmurs. “It’s okay to take things one step at a time. It’s okay to lie down and rest for the whole day, because it’s what your body needs. It needs to take its time and recuperate and it’s the same thing for the mind, too.” He lifts a hand then, to gently cradle his head, and Kyungsoo leans into the touch. “I’ve always wanted you to do things at your own pace, do anything whenever you’re most comfortable, and that includes this. None of this is wrong and I hope you know that, Kyungsoo. This doesn’t mean you’re broken.”

Something inside Kyungsoo breaks. Before he even realizes it, he’s crying again. Baekhyun lets go of his hands to cradle his head and wipe his tears with his thumbs and Kyungsoo _feels_ like he’s broken. He feels like something is wrong with him and he can’t help it.

“I told myself a long time ago that I would do whatever it takes to make sure you smile every day,” Baekhyun continues on. He looks heartbroken. “I hope you know I will continue to do that, no matter what it takes.” He leans forward and Kyungsoo closes his eyes, gasps when he feels Baekhyun kiss at his cheeks. “I love you for you, Kyungsoo. I’m not leaving.”

It makes Kyungsoo cry harder. It makes him cling onto Baekhyun, gripping at his wrists next to his head, and he focuses on the way Baekhyun gently shushes him, tries to calm him down. He feels when Baekhyun moves with him to lie down again, when Baekhyun holds him close, and Kyungsoo keeps crying into Baekhyun’s chest until he falls asleep.

Somehow, he feels strangely relaxed and exhausted at the same time.

 

 

His eyes burn. They ache as if he’s been crying for hours and honestly, he has. He thinks he’s been crying the whole day but when he finally blinks his eyes open, wince at the feeling of using them again, he can see sunlight still spilling into their bedroom. It looks like it’s only the middle of the day.

Something sweet fills the air and it permeates throughout the room. It smells like syrup and Kyungsoo tilts his head the slightest bit to see Baekhyun sleeping next to him. His hand is still on him, his stomach, and it helps. Kyungsoo feels calm.

Six.

There are six moles on Baekhyun’s face. He can see five of them from this angle, but he knows there’s on one his chin too. He also knows there’s one on his ear and one on his thumb and Kyungsoo tries to remember how many there are on the rest of Baekhyun’s body. He’s taken his time to memorize all of them in the years they’ve been together, but he feels the need to try and memorize it again—the one on his collarbone, the two on his shoulder, the one on the left side of his stomach. Kyungsoo itches to touch, so he just—lies there.

He lies there and watches as Baekhyun’s chest moves slightly with every breath he takes. He lies there and stares as Baekhyun’s lips twitch every few minutes. He lies there and lifts a hand, because he wants to touch but feels like he shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to disturb Baekhyun’s sleep.

And slowly, like in a trance, Kyungsoo watches as Baekhyun’s lips slowly turn up into a smile. “Kyungsoo, you’re allowed to touch,” he murmurs. His voice is raspy from sleep and when he opens his eyes, Kyungsoo gets lost in them.

They stare at each other for a moment, two moments, and Kyungsoo’s breath catches in his throat when Baekhyun’s lifts the hand on his stomach to gently grab his in the air and pull it to his own face. Kyungsoo doesn’t wear his ring on his right hand, but he can see Baekhyun’s on his left hand and it’s beautiful.

“There,” Baekhyun whispers. His skin is warm under Kyungsoo’s touch and Kyungsoo misses this. “Are you hungry? I made pancakes. They’ve gone cold by now, but I can make some new ones. There’s still a lot of batter left.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say much, but he does force his body to move until he’s practically crushing Baekhyun underneath him with his weight. It makes Baekhyun laugh and, in turn, Kyungsoo smiles into his neck. He’s not thinking anymore. “I feel tired,” he answers quietly. His throat is dry. “I’m thirsty.” He lazily presses his lips into the side of Baekhyun’s neck, tries to kiss him. He loves him.

Baekhyun giggles and Kyungsoo feels so lucky. “Okay, then let’s go to the kitchen?”

It’s a simple question and they don’t move. Baekhyun is waiting for Kyungsoo to make the first move and he appreciates it. He needs to keep moving. He needs to keep going forward. He feels a little weird but not weird at all. “Yeah,” he eventually whispers, feels Baekhyun’s hands fall to his hips afterwards.

“Then let’s go.”

Kyungsoo aches when he moves. It’s the type of soreness associated with lack of movement for hours at a time and he winces when he finally gets his feet on the ground. He can’t help but stretch his muscles, let out little exhales until he gasps, because now Baekhyun has arms around his waist from behind and is kissing the side of his face and neck like he’s been starved of affection.

Kyungsoo laughs. It feels foreign, but it’s welcomed. He feels lighter than he did before and he smiles as he turns his head just in time for Baekhyun to kiss the corner of his lips instead. “Baekhyun,” he murmurs, watching as Baekhyun pauses in what he’s doing, and they stare at each other for a second before Baekhyun is diving back in for a kiss on the lips.

It makes Kyungsoo sigh, feeling his heart flip at the feeling of it all, and he’s the one who moves further, turns until he can card fingers in Baekhyun’s hair and keep him close. He misses this too and he takes his time moving away from the kiss, feeling Baekhyun’s hands slip under the back of his shirt so they can hug instead.

Kyungsoo wants to say something, anything, because Baekhyun is still here but so is he and he, just, takes in a deep breath. He’s here. He feels like he’s here and it makes him smile. He doesn’t feel particularly hungry, or completely out of his own head yet, but he’s here. He keeps telling himself that.

“Help me get to the kitchen?” he asks, lets out a deep breath. He isn’t sure. “I’m—I think I’m fine, but my body hurts.”

“Yeah.” When Baekhyun pulls away, it’s for Kyungsoo to see a dopey smile on his lips. “I’ll make sure you won’t fall any harder for me” slips out of his mouth and Kyungsoo smiles wide at it. “I’m here,” he continues on and Kyungsoo can’t believe he shakes his head when Baekhyun waggles his eyebrows at him before turning him gently to guide him out of the bedroom.

It’s tiring to get to the kitchen, but then the scent of pancakes and syrup gets stronger and Kyungsoo actually feels hungry. He stares at the plate in the center of their kitchen table before looking over to see a plate soggy with syrup sitting by the sink. “Did you eat?” he asks, though it clearly looks like Baekhyun hasn’t.

“Nope,” Baekhyun quips anyways, helping him sit down in a chair. “I was hungry and I was going to, but I wanted to eat with you,” he explains. There’s a silver mixing bowl still sitting on the counter with cling wrap on top and Kyungsoo watches as he goes to unwrap it before grabbing the same pan from earlier and turning on the stove. “I added chocolate to this batch.”

The simple mention of chocolate has Kyungsoo perking up.

“I was thinking strawberries or blueberries,” Baekhyun goes on. He lets his hand hover above the pan to check for the heat before scooping some of the batter out to pour. “But I figured you’d like chocolate more,” he looks over his shoulder and winks, “for my sweetheart.”

Kyungsoo really does try to stop the smile from forming on his face. “I can’t believe you sang that,” he mutters. He really does smile when Baekhyun shrugs then moves to get him a glass of water. “Thank you,” he whispers.

There’s a small smile on Baekhyun’s lips when he hands him the glass. He pauses in front of him long enough to make Kyungsoo question what he’s going to do, but then he leans down to kiss his forehead before going back to the stove. “Always here.”

 

 

The pancakes are absolutely delicious. There’s at least five pieces of chocolate in each bite he eats and he makes a sound between a sigh and a moan at the taste of it all. Honestly, it’s more chocolate than pancakes at this point but it’s warm and his stomach seems happy and it boosts his mood. Chocolate can always boost his mood.

“I can make you more, if you want,” Baekhyun suddenly says. He’s laughing and it takes Kyungsoo actually focusing on him to realize that he’s been so invested in his food, he hasn’t even realized Baekhyun’s just been watching him this entire time. His food is mostly untouched. “I can make you something else, too.”

“Why aren’t you eating?” Kyungsoo asks, in between chewing. It’s not attractive in the slightest, but he’s struggling to actually chew and breathe at the same time. He took too big of a slice. He takes a second to swallow, so he can give Baekhyun his full attention. “You don’t like this much chocolate in your pancakes.”

Baekhyun actually appears embarrassed before he slides his plate towards Kyungsoo. “Yeah,” he drawls out, but he still takes his fork and cuts a piece of the pancakes. “Say ‘ah,’” he says after and Kyungsoo gapes in surprise. It makes it easy for Baekhyun to feed him and he smiles when he realizes there aren’t as many chocolate chips in this slice compared to his. He opens his mouth again out of instinct when he swallows and he feels embarrassed this time when Baekhyun chuckles and just feeds him another piece. “Do you prefer less chocolate chips or more?” he ends up asking. Kyungsoo isn’t sure. “Or do you just like these more because I’m the one feeding it to you?”

“Oh, be quiet,” Kyungsoo murmurs. He’s still chewing, but he manages to voice his words out without making it sound garbled. Kyungsoo feels strange, but a good strange. He thinks. Maybe. “It’s just good.”

Baekhyun simply smiles as he takes a piece of his own pancakes and eats it in-between feeding Kyungsoo. “I plan to cook some wonton noodles and soup later, too,” he informs, before he’s moving on to cutting Kyungsoo’s pancakes when his plate is empty. There’s still a full stack on another plate next to them. “Anything else? Do you want some barbecue?”

Kyungsoo actually groans at that, “That sounds delicious.” He feels like he can eat more when his plate is finished too and he eyes the rest of the pancakes sitting off to the side. “We don’t have any meat though. We’d have to go out and shop for some.” He grabs the plate without thinking, moving some of the pancakes and putting it onto his own empty one, before pouring a liberal amount of syrup on it this time. “And some more lettuce. I’m pretty sure that went bad, like, maybe a day or two ago or something. I can’t really keep up with time when I’m on call—shit.” Kyungsoo feels his entire body freeze before he looks to Baekhyun. His fiancé looks calm and he’s staring at him like he’s doing something special, when he really isn’t. “Baekhyun, where’s my phone?”

“It’s in the room,” Baekhyun answers easily. “I made arrangements, so any consults are simply messaged to you and any STEMIs are directed to Wonsik.” He suddenly looks unsure of himself. “I hope you’re okay with that. I figured you needed to rest some.”

All the tension bleeds out of Kyungsoo’s body at the words. “You did?” he asks, watches as Baekhyun nods.

“I wanted you to rest.”

“What about your shift?” Kyungsoo thinks back to their schedules in their phones, remembers Baekhyun is supposed to be finishing his own stretch too. He messed up. “Aren’t you supposed to be working today?”

“Chanyeol and Sunyoung are covering me.”

“They—” Kyungsoo is shocked. He can’t feel the need to feel one emotion over the other and his heart still feels calm. It’s not racing or slowing down. It’s not flipping all over the place, but he feels bad. Everyone is doing something when they’re not supposed to because of him and— He drops his gaze when he feels Baekhyun reach for his hand. “Baekhyun—”

“It’s okay to need a day off,” his fiancé quietly says. “Your health is important too. We can always make it up later.”

“But—” Kyungsoo watches as Baekhyun gives him this _stare_. He doesn’t even say anything and Kyungsoo wonders if it’s because Baekhyun is being a little cautious too.

Kyungsoo bites his lip, thinks about it, wonders why he hasn’t heard his cell phone at all in all the hours he’s been home. He feels thankful—is grateful—because Baekhyun keeps trying to help him even though Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what they both need, how they can help each other completely with this just yet. He’s wonderful. All of their friends are wonderful. He gets up without even thinking, walks over to his fiancé, and moves him until he can simply fall into his lap and wrap arms around his neck. “You’re wonderful,” he voices, pulling away only to kiss Baekhyun on the lips. “Thank you.”

It almost feels like everything’s back to normal. Kyungsoo almost _feels_ back to normal, but he does still feel a little off. He stays seated on Baekhyun’s lap until all the pancakes are gone and Baekhyun is whining at him to get up because he needs more water to wash down all the sugary syrup coating his throat.

“My sweet honey bun,” Kyungsoo croons. He thinks it’s the sudden rush of sugar in his body. He laughs when Baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him before downing his water.

 

 

The hot water is refreshing on his skin. It feels like it’s cleaning the mess in his mind as well as the sweat from his body and he simply stands there to relish in it. He can’t remember the last time he was able to relax and take his time while taking a shower.

“Consult came in at eleven forty-three this morning,” Baekhyun reads. “A patient of yours came in complaining of chest pain intermittently for the past three days. No other symptoms. Admitted for observation.”

Kyungsoo hums absentmindedly at the information, turning around so the spray of the water hits his shoulders instead. “Next one,” he murmurs, glancing over to the side to see Baekhyun sitting on the bathroom counter staring at his phone. He closes his eyes again when the water gets too close to blinding him.

“One eighteen, no cardiologist, forty-three year old male. Hasn’t seen a doctor in years, apparently, aren’t those great? Chest pain relieved with nitroglycerin and aspirin. Observation.”

“Mhm,” Kyungsoo hums, finally reaching for the shampoo bottle to wash his hair.

“Two fifty-one, no cardiologist, sixty-one year old female. Chest pain since yesterday, with nausea, but no changes to her EKG or labs. Observation.”

Kyungsoo feels better when he washes the shampoo out of his hair. He listens as Baekhyun lists a few more consults as he washes his body and he turns slowly so everything can be washed away. His fingers are positively pruny when he finally turns off the water and gets out of the shower and he almost laughs when he looks over and sees Baekhyun covering the side of his face closest to him. “What are you doing?”

“Trying not to peek at you,” Baekhyun says. He doesn’t even peek between his fingers and his other thumb is still scrolling through Kyungsoo’s phone. “I think that’s all the consults you’ve had since this morning. That’s a fucking ton.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo answers. It’s normal. He’s still dripping wet, but he can’t move from his spot where he has his hands on his hips. His fiancé is amusing. “You’ve seen me naked how many times already? Why are you choosing now to not look at me?” He watches as Baekhyun finally separates his fingers to peek at him. He laughs. “Baekhyun, seriously?”

“Stop that,” Baekhyun whines and Kyungsoo grabs another towel to wipe down the rest of his body so he isn’t so cold. “I don’t need a constant reminder twenty-four seven telling me that you’re still so gorgeous after all these years.”

Kyungsoo snorts as he pulls on his underwear first before he tugs his shirt on. “Am I supposed to assume you’d assume I’d get uglier over the years?”

“I was hoping you’d get a little less attractive, yes, because I don’t think my libido can keep up.”

“You’re impossible,” Kyungsoo breathes. But when he turns around after pulling on some jeans, Baekhyun is still sitting on the counter trying to stare at everywhere but him. He rolls his eyes before walking over and fitting himself between Baekhyun’s legs. “Well, I was hoping the amount of kisses would dwindle over the years, but I guess that isn’t happening any time soon either.” He drops his gaze down to Baekhyun’s lips, before glancing back up at him. “Can I kiss you?”

The way Baekhyun immediately grabs at his shoulders to pull him close is almost comical. Kyungsoo laughs. “Why do you even still ask?” Baekhyun whines. He pauses for a second though and Kyungsoo takes that as his cue to reach under Baekhyun’s arms to be able to cradle his face gently. It looks like Baekhyun is about to beg, so Kyungsoo simply kisses him to calm him down. It’s the first he’s heard Baekhyun whimper into it in a long time.

He tries to convey his appreciation for his fiancé, the way he’s helped him throughout the past day and more, and he tries to show him he still loves him as much as he did way before he even realized he fell in love with Baekhyun. It’s hard, but he hopes the message gets through because Baekhyun is panting when they separate and Kyungsoo hopes they can take a trip somewhere where they can make their marriage legal in some way.

“God,” Baekhyun breathes, moving in to kiss him again. It catches Kyungsoo off-guard, but he smiles anyways because Baekhyun isn’t giving him enough time to laugh about it. “You’re the best kisser in existence. We should stop so we can go grocery shopping.” He groans when Kyungsoo gently takes control again, shifting a hand so he can also cradle the back of Baekhyun’s neck. “It’s going to be so uncomfortable walking around in a grocery store with an erection. _Holy shit_.”

This time, Kyungsoo does laugh. He pulls away enough to be able to see the dazed look in Baekhyun’s eyes before he’s kissing him again. “You talk too much,” he murmurs in between kisses. “How is that even possible?”

“Gotta balance each other out,” Baekhyun breathes out, before he moans. Kyungsoo can always count on that one sensitive spot right under his ear. “Kyungsoo.”

“ _Kit-Kats_ or _Reeses_?” Kyungsoo suddenly asks, mind flashing to more chocolate. Licking chocolate off of Baekhyun should be a thing one more time. “For snacks, at work,” he ends up clarifying.

Baekhyun groans, “ _Kit-Kats_. Crunchy.”

Kyungsoo smiles, “Noted.” He finally pulls away after leaving another kiss on Baekhyun’s neck. He takes a moment to watch as Baekhyun opens his eyes, stares at his lips because they’re kiss-swollen, and he smiles again when Baekhyun does. “So, meat, lettuce, wonton noodles, _Kit-Kats_ ,” he lists off, glancing down to his phone when he sees it light up again with another consult. “I think we need carrots and more things for the broth.”

“Cereal, too, probably,” Baekhyun adds on, before he heaves a deep sigh. He relaxes back on the counter. His arms are simply draped on Kyungsoo’s shoulders this time and Kyungsoo lets his hands fall to frame Baekhyun’s hips. “Eggs.”

“Wow, we really needed to go grocery shopping.”

Baekhyun hums, “We should actually make a list this time.” There’s a soft smile on his face. It’s serene. Somehow, it catches Kyungsoo off-guard. “You’ll probably hate this question,” he says, slowly, like he’s trying to assess the situation without giving off the impression he actually is, “but are you okay?” He stares at him longer, and Kyungsoo hurts when Baekhyun adds, “You don’t need to lie.”

“I didn’t lie,” Kyungsoo murmurs, searching Baekhyun’s own eyes, because he wouldn’t. There isn’t a hint of pain or betrayal though, so he clings onto that, the knowledge that Baekhyun doesn’t necessarily hate him for this. He even waits for him to continue. “I—,” he watches for any change in Baekhyun’s expression, the fear starting to grow again, “I just didn’t tell you everything.”

To his surprise, Baekhyun’s smile grows the littlest bit, becomes lopsided. “And we all have our own things to deal with. I respect that.”

“And I was scared to tell you,” Kyungsoo continues on, still searching. “I didn’t know what would happen. I thought,” he trails off, mumbles something he doesn’t even know. He opens his mouth again to try, only to feel Baekhyun move an arm to be able to place a hand on his chest, over his heart. “You won’t leave me?”

“I won’t leave you,” Baekhyun confirms. It’s simple. It’s easy. His palm is warm against Kyungsoo’s chest. “I won’t get mad if you lie about this. I just need to know that you’re okay, that you _will_ be okay, because you’re a part of me now, Kyungsoo. I come back to you and I can only hope you’ll continue to come back to me, too.”

Kyungsoo nods before he can stop himself. He feels like he’s in a trance, something in him breaking open again. He can’t stop searching. “Wonshik’s noticed,” he murmurs, watches as Baekhyun nods. “I called Chanyeol the other day for lunch,” he confesses, “I—I still don’t know why.”

“Your heart is racing,” Baekhyun quietly says. He gives him a small smile and it’s encouraging. Kyungsoo needs to talk about this. They need to talk about this. “You don’t have to tell me now, Kyungsoo.”

“I didn’t even know it was happening until Wonshik brought it up,” he continues anyways. He doesn’t think he can cry anymore. He feels completely spent, mentally and emotionally. “I didn’t know I would go into work and nobody could recognize me.” He glances to the mirror behind Baekhyun, stares at himself. “Sometimes, I can’t even recognize myself.” Even now, he still looks a little strange, “How can you still recognize me?” He sucks in a breath when Baekhyun gently pushes on his chest.

“Because it’s still you in here,” he answers. “You are still Kyungsoo. No matter what happens, I can search and keep searching until I find you buried deep in here.” He taps his index finger against Kyungsoo’s chest. “I won’t let you disappear that easily.”

Kyungsoo glances back to his reflection before looking to Baekhyun again. He keeps taking in shaky breaths every few minutes, like he’s been crying, but he hasn’t been, not this time. He barely registers himself moving until Baekhyun is leaning over and away and bringing Kyungsoo’s left hand up between them. He only drops his gaze when he feels something cold touch the tip of his fourth finger.

“If you need more time to rest here at home, I can go out and get all the groceries for dinner tonight. If you want to go out with me to the store, then I’m driving.” Kyungsoo feels like he can’t breathe when Baekhyun slips his ring back on for him. “How is that for some vows?”

_That_ definitely catches him off-guard, too. Kyungsoo, just, chokes out a laugh. “How,” he says, glancing back up to see the affection and love pouring from Baekhyun’s gaze alone. “I disappear for days at a time, mentally. Sometimes, we see our own coworkers more than we see each other—” Why does he keep talking? “We’re not like normal couples. I’m,” he leads off, bites back his tongue when he feels Baekhyun gently push against his chest again.

“Who in the world is normal nowadays?” Baekhyun questions back. He pushes again and it pushes the air out of Kyungsoo’s lungs. “We all know we weren’t normal when we signed up for medical school. We still _aren’t_ normal as practicing physicians.” But then he slides his hand up from his chest to the back of his neck, gently cradles his head with one hand. “Sometimes, these things creep up on us without us realizing at all. It’s the normal way of life. It’s like how disease can spring up all of a sudden or take its time and grow until it becomes something deadly. It’s like how people can fall in love at first sight or they fall in love over time until it becomes something absolutely beautiful.” His thumb gently caresses the area behind his ear and Kyungsoo leans into the touch.

“We do have our own responsibilities, but I want you to prioritize your health too,” Baekhyun continues on. He’s smiling now and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile back, listens to his fiancé’s words because Baekhyun has always been smart, intuitive—something Kyungsoo has always admired. “Nothing in life is absolutely stone cold normal. One’s normal isn’t the same as another’s and I want you to know that you’re so wonderfully special to me, Kyungsoo. I don’t want you to ever be normal.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what to say. He’s speechless. His mind is absolutely blank in the best way possible so he does the only thing he thinks he can do when he’s speechless and in love.

He kisses Baekhyun.

 

 

Kyungsoo takes his time grabbing his wallet, making sure he has everything in there, before he looks to the kitchen bar where their list is already made up. Baekhyun is standing next to it grabbing his own things and Kyungsoo can’t help but ask, “Are you mad?”

It takes a second for Kyungsoo to hear a response, a short hum, before Baekhyun asks, “What about?” He looks over his shoulder after and he appears genuinely confused. “Are you okay? Do you want to stay here instead?” It’s like nothing and everything happened within one day, like nothing’s changed but everything technically has.

Kyungsoo immediately shakes his head, glancing from Baekhyun to the list to his jacket on the back of the couch. “About,” he mumbles. He fidgets, running the pad of his thumb along the edge of his wallet. “Wonshik and Chanyeol.”

“Why would I be mad about them?”

“I—I don’t know.” Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s acting like this. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

“Kyungsoo, love,” Baekhyun calls out. Before Kyungsoo knows it, Baekhyun is standing in front of him and holding onto his free hand. He searches his eyes and Kyungsoo wants to know what he finds. “We all have our own confidants. We have each other, but it’s healthy to have other people too.” He links their fingers together and, belatedly, Kyungsoo realizes this is going to be a process. “Mine are Jongdae and Sunyoung. Nothing is wrong.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to explain anything anymore. He only steps forward until Baekhyun automatically wraps him in his arms. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles into his neck. Kyungsoo breathes in their laundry detergent. “I wanted you to know, when I first… realized it, but I couldn’t understand it. I’m still trying.” He closes his eyes then. “I’m just so confused.”

“It’s a learning process,” Baekhyun quietly says. The words come slow and Kyungsoo knows it’s difficult. He beats Baekhyun into speaking next.

“I bet I’ll be back to my normal tomorrow,” he says, grabbing onto the back of Baekhyun’s shirt. “Sometimes, I’ll wake up and I feel completely back to myself, like everything I’ve recently experienced didn’t really happen at all.” He hasn’t talked this much in such a long time. “It’s so strange. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand it.” Another moment. “I miss this,” he suddenly confesses. “I miss time together.”

At that, Baekhyun chuckles. He leans away enough to be able to stare him in the eyes and Kyungsoo suddenly feels shy. “I miss spending time with you too,” he murmurs, reaches up to gently cradle the side of his jaw, thumb dancing along his cheek. “I always miss you. It’s reassuring to know you miss me too.”

It’s absolutely ridiculous Baekhyun thinks Kyungsoo doesn’t miss him. He clings on tighter to Baekhyun’s shirt; there are probably going to be wrinkles.

“It might take some time, or it might not at all,” Baekhyun says, gives him a small smile. “But I’m here with you every step of the way. I’m not leaving my hot fiancé with a beautiful heart.”

It takes a moment, but then Kyungsoo is rushing forward to hide his face in Baekhyun’s neck.

Baekhyun laughs, “Oh, my dear love bug.”

“Stop that,” Kyungsoo can’t help but whine. “I’ll stop talking now.” His body relaxes the longer Baekhyun keeps rubbing circles into his back.

“I don’t want you to ever stop talking,” Baekhyun argues, leans away a bit to kiss his temple. “I want you to talk as long as you want, as long as you need. I’m here to listen.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what to say. He simply keeps hiding.

“But if you want some dinner, we should probably head out now,” Baekhyun coaxes, laughs some more when Kyungsoo pushes further into him. “Sweetheart, come on.”

It takes Baekhyun slipping a hand underneath the back of Kyungsoo’s shirt to dip his fingertips under the waistband of his jeans for Kyungsoo to pull away and simply stare at his fiancé. All Baekhyun does is shrug with a smile before he reaches out to grab his hand again.

“If I’m being too much at any time, I want you to tell me.” The sincerity is back and Kyungsoo loves him. “If you’re not comfortable mentally or emotionally or even physically, I want you to tell me. We’ve always been open about it in the past, but I want you to remember this.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even have to think about it. “Tell me when you’re too tired from work, too,” he reciprocates. “You’ve been tired lately and I’ve been trying not to bother you too much.” _But then look what happened_.

The way Baekhyun smiles makes Kyungsoo think everything is going to be okay, no matter how long it will take to work on it. “Something new to work on,” Baekhyun says, taking a step closer to him, “Nothing is ever dull with you.” He then whispers, “You’ll never bother me, Kyungsoo. If anything, I always bother you.”

“I don’t even think any of that is an appropriate response,” Kyungsoo murmurs in return, staring into Baekhyun’s eyes, but he feels himself biting back a smile. “How can you even make something like that sound so positive?” His fiancé’s eyes are really pretty and he’s not even saying anything. Did Baekhyun take another step closer? “Are you going to kiss me?”

Baekhyun smiles so beautifully. “Now, how did you know?”

Kyungsoo pulls Baekhyun the rest of the way.

 

 

“Okay, we agreed on the _Kit-Kats_ , but they’re having a sale on _Oreos_ too, so I’m getting two of those,” Kyungsoo says, reaching for the packages to place in the cart. He searches the rest of the aisle to see if there are any more deals on snacks he likes and he _knows_ Baekhyun snuck another treat in there. This is familiar. “I bet we’re going to come back to this aisle before we leave the store.”

Baekhyun laughs, “Oh, at least three more times. Who says doctors can’t diet too?”

Kyungsoo can only shake his head as he leads them to the next aisle to get ingredients for their soup. He grabs the noodles and a mixture for the broth before grabbing some more ramen packages because they can never have enough. He takes a glance at their cart before walking away again, smiling, because Baekhyun has a cheeky grin on his face.

“Oh, you know this is our normal shopping excursion for food,” Baekhyun says, laughing, probably because Kyungsoo simply waves his hand in the air in dismissal. Kyungsoo smiles at the sound, grabs something else from another aisle. He likes to believe they’re eating healthy. “We’re in this together,” he hears Baekhyun sing, following after him.

And it’s not much, but it means the world to him.

 

 

“We have such bad diets,” Kyungsoo laments, taking another glance at their cart. He feels heat crawl up his cheeks when he sees Baekhyun wink at him. “Why in the world…?” But then Baekhyun gets distracted right when they get to the fresh fruits.

“Kyungsoo, these strawberries look so good. We’re getting a pack.”

Kyungsoo stares at his fiancé, laughs, and gets three.

 

 

 

Keep moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my birthday present for all of you~ i hope it's okay ;u;
> 
> i also can't believe i missed baeksoo/baekdo day, what kinda person am i
> 
> (ps. come find me on twitter: @xo_thefirst :))


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